What "Deployment Prep" Means (Part 2)

Aside from all the logistical preparations of making a will and getting the dogs vaccinated, there's the "people side" of preparing for deployment. This is the relationship and emotional work that needs to happen to keep your marriage and family strong during deployment, as well as yourself. This is the kind of work that I am better at doing, but it's still hard. Karen M. Pavlicin writes in Surviving Deployment "You are not ready to part with your spouse or loved on until you have developed a plan for the personal and family issues related to the situation" (p. 45). I have found this to be true. Like I've said, I was too scared and stressed to do a lot of this kind of planning last time, and our relationship suffered the consequences during deployment.

The most important thing is to TALK to each other. Talk openly about your fears and concerns. At this point, we mention deployment at least once a day in regards to something we are dealing with. Some days it's just "the dogs are really going to miss you while you are gone" and others it's "I'm concerned about you being on your own." These conversations have lead to important preparations, like James buying me an emergency car kit so he's less worried about me keeping up with car maintenance. It's also a normal time for fighting, and this can be a good thing if handled correctly. We fight because we are anxious and stressed about our upcoming separation. This can lead to emotional detachment and resentment, or healthy conflict that brings up things we need to deal with (such as me being terrible at vehicle up-keep.)

In this stage, it is vital to reaffirm your commitment to each other. It can be easy to focus on the separation and all the planning that needs done. But, if the separation is going to go well, your spouse needs to come first. The part of this that I don't like dealing with is remembering that being in the military is dangerous, and death or injury can occur even in training exercises. Communication and connecting to these fears is important.

Things that we do/will do for emotional/relational preparations:

• Decide how often to write/email/skype. It's important to set these boundaries and have realistic expectations
• Agree on what to talk about when he's deployed. How much bad news is okay to share? How much do I want to know about what's going on there? One of my boundaries is I don't want to know when he's doing combat training and working with fire arms. I don't want to know details of dangerous situations. It just makes me scared and I can't be there or do anything about it. One of his boundaries is he doesn't what to know all about problems I am dealing with that he can't do anything about. It's better for me to tell him after the fact (if at all). It's important for him to know that I am handling things and okay, not to stress over the fact that he's not there. It's okay to share some things, but it doesn't do either of us any good for him to know about every bad day and every household appliance that breaks.
• Talk to friends and family, let them know what our needs are and how to help. Be open about our feelings and how others can support us. This is one of my reasons for having this blog. We also keep close friends and family members in the loop. I even sent my parents a copy of Surviving Deployment and Going Overboard so they knew how to best support us. It's easy to just be resentful and say "I'm all alone, no one knows what I'm going through," especially in the Reserves where it's difficult to connect to other military families. The truth is, civilians can't know what we are going through as military families. We have to tell them, and understand that they are trying and do care.
• Create a budget for care packages, what to include/not include. Care packages can be awesome, but it's important for me to remember that James will be living in a tent with a cot, and to know what food will spoil before it gets there! Also, make sure friends and family are able to send mail/packages as well.
• Make sure each of us have cameras/how to best share pictures. 
• Decide how to document and share daily events in our lives with each other. Some couples create webpages for each other
• Spend more time together before James leaves. We have been going on more dates and talking more. It's important to not just focus on James' leaving, but the time we have before he leaves and connecting and making good memories. We like to have fun with each other. 
• Going-away party. This is important for us to do because it's not only me saying good-bye, it's friends and family too. I want James to feel supported and for everyone to get a chance to see each other before he leaves for a long time. 
• The military provides workshops and therapists to help deal with preparation and separation. Sometimes you have to work to get these things, but USE THEM. They are free! (see list of resources in previous post).

The military has gotten better about providing resources for families when it comes to emotional support. The military learned the hard way that this is important, especially after Viet Nam and the Gulf War. The saying used to be "if the military wanted you to have a family, they would have issued you one." Now it's "strong families build strong soldiers." Service members are stronger and better able to focus when they know their family is okay and adequately prepared. There's still work to be done, but it's vastly improved and I'm so grateful for the resources I have and for my Ombudsman.

 Well, I should probably get out of my pajamas and do some of these things on my lists! Ugh. I would much rather drink coffee and craft the rest of the day.