Phases and Stages of Deployment

For those who have been through or are going through deployment, it is important to recognize and know the stages and phases of deployment. It's also good for the loved ones to know about this, so it's easier to recognize and help the person you care about when experiencing deployment. These are the phases and stages as listed  in Surviving Deployment: A Guide for Military Families by Karen M. Pavlicin. (This book is pretty much my deployment Bible.)

• Phase I: Pre-deployment/Preparation
• Stage 1: Shock/denial/anger
• Unable to even process it's happening
• Refusing to deal with it
• Anger at the military/government/spouse
• Stage 2: Anticipation of loss
• Stage 3: Emotional detachment
• Restlessness, concern about future, irritablilty, anxiety or even panic can lead to emotional attachment. 
• Even though you are physically together, mentally and emotionally you are preparing for separation
• Deploying spouse may emotionally disconnect before you due to military training to do so. 
• Phase II: Deployment/Separation
• Stage 4: Disorientation/depression
• Jeaslousy triggered by friends and neighbors who have their loved ones home can lead to withdrawl
• Anger at the military for taking your spouse away when you need him/her
• Disruptions in routine
• Loneliness, anger, sadness
• Stage 5: Adaptation
• The "I can make it" stage. It does not mean you like being separated, it just means you are making the best of it. 
• Increase in self-confidence
• Stage 6: Anticipation of homecoming
• Stage 6 1/2: (sometimes)  Deployment extension
• There are many expectations which can delay home-comings. Don't listen to rumors of early home-coming. Get information from Command. Expect plane delays and flight changes. 
•  Phase III: Post deployment/homecoming/reunion
• Stage 7: Honeymoon
• The homecoming is never as perfect as you want it to be. The elation can last from the first hug to a few weeks. Then the reality of how much you've both changed sets in
• Stage 8: Reintegration
• Share your needs and feelings without forcing each other to talk
• You may feel a loss of control or freedom. Your returning spouse may feel isolated, unwanted, unneeded or left out. 
• Returning spouses may miss the camaraderie of those who served with him during deployment. 
• Be prepared for PTSD and seek professional help if this occurs. 

 Having been through deployment, I can say that at least for me, these stages and phases are pretty accurate. Each person, couple and deployment is different so stages, and how you handle them, may vary.


Right now, I am in Phase I, Stage 2: Anticipation of loss. I knew this deployment was coming for a long time, we were just waiting on the Unit and orders, which was incredibly frustrating. We knew for a year that this was coming for us, so that gave me a lot of time to accept that this was happening. Also, we decided as a couple on this deployment, he chose to go on this mission rather than waiting for a different one for him to inevitably be assigned to. Our first deployment, however, I was in the denial/shock/anger stage for a long, long time. I didn't know how to anticipate the loss or how to prepare, so I just stayed angry and scared. It is important to understand in this phase that this is your spouses JOB, this is what has to happen, and accept it and move on. Being angry and him or the military, the government or the war just distracts from dealing with the the reality that this is happening and you can't change it. It also makes is more difficult for you to support your spouse. He needs it. Remember, he is the one leaving his home and his family.

Being in the Anticipation of Loss phase is good and hard at the same time for me. On the one hand, I feel like I can actually be DOING things to prepare that are within my control. I'm reading books, making lists, getting papers in order, planning projects, etc. These are things i can control, and doing them makes the deployment feel less scary because I feel prepared (at least for now, as soon as he leaves I will feel unprepared and think of all the things I didn't do, and things will start to go wrong!). Some of the prep work is exciting. I have goals set for myself to learn to crochet, decorate the house, start jogging again. Knowing that I came out of the last deployment a stronger person, I'm excited for the opportunity for growth and development that most married people don't get.

The sad part is preparing myself emotionally. When James is gone for the day, the weekend for Drill, his 2 week trainings, I get the haunting, lonely feeling from the last deployment. There is a distinct emptiness about it. Everything just looks and feels "off." My mind is generally somewhere else, thinking what it would be like if he were there or what he's doing. Or, just dreading coming home to an empty house. (Having a dog REALLY helps if you don't have kids, by the way).  There are also familiar patterns that come back that I developed during the last deployment. I don't like to be out late, I sleep with the dogs, I have to fall asleep with a book, I leave lights on at night, Lean Cuisines fill the freezer, I resent that i get to watch all the shows James' hates, I try to keep myself busy with girlfriends, I drink too much wine and watch too much TV.  Each time I think "Remember this feeling; this is what it will be like. You can do this."

Then there is the preparing when James is here. Last night I was rubbing his back and feeling so sad because he would be far away soon without me to take care of him. No one will fix his favorite meals, rub his back, or know the inside jokes. I hated thinking about that. I have been trying hard to fix his those meals, take care of him, cuddle him longer, be kinder, appreciate him more, and tell him how much I will miss him. The fact that he is leaving is sinking in, and the more lists I make and tasks I accomplish in preparing, the more real it becomes. I can't help laying in his arms at night and thinking that I don't have much more of this. I try to take in every minute of it. Then reality sets in and I get too hot and he's snoring on my neck. I have to roll over. And then the obsessive planning starts in my head and I feel the need to get up and just make more lists!

Take my advice, don't put off your prep work to avoid this all being real. It is real. And your last weeks together will be spent stressed and scrambling to get everything done instead of spending time together - which is all you will want to do since you accepted the reality that he is leaving. It's okay to be scared and worried. You won't get everything done. Make the best of it, get the most out of your "stage" of this, whatever that may mean. All you can do is the best you can with what you have, in that moment. And sometimes the best you got may look pretty crappy. That's okay too. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway.