This has been a difficult week for me. In this stage of pre-deployment. Every week seems to offer new challenges, new things to do, and things I didn't even think of. Most days are normal, but some days just hit me out of nowhere.
When my husband and I were going to bed Tuesday night, I was feeling sad and restless. I had been working on compiling every phone number I could think of for my emergency phone list for over and hour and had finally gotten it done. I thought it would put my mind at ease a little, but I was going over my to-do list thinking of what to do next. We had fallen asleep on the couch, and when we got to bed, as usual, my mind started going. My husband was trying to be sweet and cuddle with me and rub my back, but it honestly just made my stress level worse. I wanted to break down and cry, but it was 1AM and I did not feel like dealing with all that then. So, I just got up and went down stairs to watch Golden Girls, which has become my routine at least once a week when I can't sleep. I didn't fall asleep until about 4am, after I finally told myself that I could just sleep on the couch. It got easier throughout the week, but it was difficult when my husband was being sweet and caring because it reminded me he is leaving. I wanted to push away to avoid the sadness.
This is a normal thing for military spouses to be going through when deployment starts to get close, it's called "emotional detachment." It is what soldiers and sailors are trained to do before deployment to make the separation easier and to get themselves into what I call "the military mode." Spouses emotionally detach as well, it is a normal coping mechanism. You may find yourself pulling away from your spouse or picking fights, stress levels may increase, and after all the prep-work for deployment, you are just ready to get on with it. You know it's going to suck and you just want it to happen so you can move on. The deploying spouse may start to seem emotionally distant, irritable, less affectionate. This part is very difficult, since right before deployment is a time when you want everything to be magical. Every moment seems precious and you just want to be close and enjoy every second of it. The emotional detachment can seem disappointing, and the expectation for you to be close makes it worse. You may begin to resent your spouse if they are emotionally detaching and you aren't, because you just want your last few weeks together to be special. You being to get stressed and run around trying to do last minute things, and end up just ready for them to leave. Not how they show it in the movies, huh?
My stress level and anxiety are increasing, which is causing this detachment for me. Honestly, I was a bit surprised that the desire to pull away hit my first this time. Last deployment (our first one) I was a wreck and just clinging to my husband for dear life it seems. During this deployment prep, I've been trying to "do everything right" to keep from "falling apart." I feel like I have something to prove to myself, that this time it's going to be different. I've become so focused on the future, my husband leaving, how hard it will be, what I will do to take care of myself, and so on, that I'm stuck in my head worrying and planning and finding it difficult to relax and be present.
At leas this is what my counselor, Gloria, told me yesterday when I was talking to her about all of this. I've come to think that my lists and my planning are what will save me and keep me sane, so letting go, breathing, and being present makes me nervous. "What if I forget something? I have so much to do! I don't really want to feel what's happening because it sucks! I need to be prepared! What if? What if? What if?" This worrying is taking away time with my friends, my life, and my husband.
Guess what I just learned? Being present and relaxing is the most important part of deployment prep and deployment. And the hardest.
The things I've been doing to relax also seem to involve detachment. Watching Golden Girls for hours when I can't sleep and drinking Sleepytime tea are helpful and tools I can use, but they are outside sources to relax me, and provide an escape by making me tired and allowing me to enter the world in the TV. Yesterday in my session, Gloria led me through a relaxation exercise that was honestly difficult. It involved sitting still, breathing deeply, and focusing on relaxing each part of my body and letting go of stress and not thinking. It seems so simple, but it was difficult. Afterwards, I did feel more present and relaxed. She said that when I am relaxed and present, I am actually more in tune with my surroundings, better able to focus, more in tune with others, and my anxiety is under control. I believe that I'm in control, but my anxiety is controlling me at times. She said, while all my planning is important, I need to be able to get it go and be here now. This will help me be less worried about the future and not detach from my husband. It will also make feeling my emotions easier, instead of letting all my emotions and worries get bigger and bigger in my head, I will be able to relax, feel something, and move on. I am supposed to do this relaxation exercise for 8-10 minutes twice a day. I did it last night before bed, and it helped.
My mind does keep wandering when I try to relax, and I find myself having to bring myself back to my relaxation exercise at least 20 times in the 10 minutes I do it. Gloria encouraged me that this will take time, relaxation is a learned skill, and turning my mind off is something I need to practice daily and it will get easier. Right now, the idea of doing relaxation exercises stresses me out! But, I'm going to counseling for a reason, and that reason is stress and anxiety during deployment, so I might as well listen to Gloria and use the tools I went there to get from her. After all, what I want is to be present, relaxed, and not stressed. I want to sleep, I want to enjoy this time with my husband, I want to not be making lists in my head all the time. So, if relaxing and breathing is what it takes, it's worth a shot! I need to take care of myself, and this seems worth it.
Relaxation Tools:
55 Gentle Ways to Take Care of Yourself
Body Scan Relaxation
Yoga for Anxiety and Depression (I just ordered this)
Partner with a MilitaryOneSource Health & Wellness Coach
MilitaryOneSource Counseling Options
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