As I was laying in bed last night, I was making lists in my head of all the things I need to do for James' going away party. Eventually, I sat up and made a list on my phone so I could at least know it was written down, that always helps me stop thinking about it. I had been beating myself up for not working on all the stuff I needed to and just laying around in my sweats all day. I contemplated making a to-do list next (even though it would be my tenth one). Instead I just tried to sleep.
I was trying to stay as close to my side of the bed as possible. My husband is still sick and I'm trying desperately not to catch whatever it is he has. He was grouchy because he didn't feel good, and once again our dog had licked his side of the bed and it was all wet. Harley, the bed licker, was crouching in the hallway, feeling guilty for licking the bed. As I made my list and James settled in, he called Harley over to the bed and pet him. "Ya know?" he said, "I'm going to miss the dogs so much when I leave. I don't even like leaving for a two week AT because I know they get sad. And the dogs don't get to cope like you do, they don't get to go out with their friends or anything. They just have to stay home and be sad. I can't tell them why I am leaving, they are going to think I abandoned them..."
That nearly broke my heart. I felt guilty for lying in bed worrying about finding batteries for our video camera for James' going away party. I realized that sometimes, in the midst of all my planning, worrying, obsessing, and sadness, I forget just how hard this is for James. I will still be here in our home, with our friends and family, while he is far away sleeping in a tent. I reached up and held James' hand in the dark, risking certain illness. I promised him that I would walk the dogs, take them to the park, let them sleep in bed with me, and do my best to take care of them and make sure they are happy. I even told James that I would show the dogs his picture and tell them all the time he is coming home soon. Harley is especially attached to James, and stares at the door when he isn't home. I said I would make a bed for him out of James' old clothes so he could cuddle up with James' scent. I cuddled closer to my husband and told him how much I would miss him. I didn't care anymore about getting sick.
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