What "Deployment Prep" Means (part 3)

Emotional preparation is a crucial part of preparing from being separated from your loved one. There are so so so many emotions that go into the whole situation. It's important to take care of yourself and be connected to yourself and each other and actually deal with that is going on. It's also important to know that your feelings are NORMAL, no matter what they are.

Anger is a normal emotion during this time. Anger is also a secondary emotion - it's often rooted in something else. I was incredibly angry last time James deployed. I was angry at James for being in the military and for deploying. I was angry at the government for the entire situation and had strong opinions about it. I could not bring together my beliefs/convictions and being a military wife. My anger at James came out of fear and feeling betrayed. I did not understand at the time why he would want to be a part of something that takes him away from me for long periods of time. I felt like I was being left. I was also terrified of being alone because I never had been. Eventually James and I had serious conversations about why he was in the military, which helped me to respect him instead of resent him. I am now able to support this choice, even admire it. I also learned that I can be alone and be okay, which is one of the best things that can come out of deployment - independence. It's okay to feel anger, fear, and betrayal  - but not okay to stay in that place for too long. It will only lead to resentment and depression, and have negative effects on your marriage. Accept orders as just that ORDERS. Accept that and try to make the forced separation a positive experience.

Another common emotion is guilt. Guilt for sometimes wanting the deployment. We both deal with that, too. For us, deployment means the chance to pay off credit cards and car loans, which is something I am really looking forward to. I was anxious waiting for orders and really wanting them so we could work on our finances. I also feel bad wanting my husband to leave! Some couples actually look forward to deployments. When I first read that, I thought that was the stupidest thing I ever heard. Now I am starting to understand. During the last deployment I found a lot of self-fulfillment. I learned new skills (how to unclog a shower drain and jump start a car to name a few) and I learned that I could be on my own. Plus, I got to see my friends all the time, journal, paint, read, and have a lot of great personal time. Now I am excited about having that opportunity again! I have projects planned and goals set that I am anxious to get to - which makes me look forward to this is some ways...which I of course have guilt over. Fortunately, James understands and since I am still of course going to miss him and he knows that, he prefers it this way. Don't get my wrong, I hate that he is leaving. I can find the good in it now, though.  The deploying spouse often experiences guilt as well. It's normal for them to look forward to the mission. It makes sense because this is their JOB and what they train for, and also a duty they feel called to. They feel guilt for wanting to leave, too. And that's okay.

I did not know or understand how to cope with these feelings very well last time. I did not experience guilt at that point, just fear, anger, betrayal, sadness...ya know, the works. Don't get me wrong, I am still scared and sad too. Less so, but it's still there and I still am working through it.

My positive coping tools (I'll write more on this later)

• I share my feelings with James. We have open conversations about the mission (as much as he can tell me), why he is in the military, and our feelings about this deployment. 
• Journaling is a major tool for me. Everything goes in my journal, I am completely uncensored and my husband knows not to read it. 
• My friends have been an amazing support. No, they can never fully understand. But, they can love me and support me. The more I tell them what they need, the better they can help. When we found out there was a possibility of orders, I let my best friends know and I keep them updated. I seriously have the best friends ever. 
• I don't have the option to go to Family Readiness Groups, but GO if you can. 
• Making plans for what I can do for myself during the deployment and setting goals. 
• My doctor. I have anxiety issues and struggle with depression. I'm honest with my doctor and go on medication when absolutely necessary. My family doctor is educated about those types of meds because she also works in a mental health facility. Not all are, I have had very bad experiences with this. Often a therapist/psychiatrist is your best tool.  There's no shame in this kind of help.  
• Therapy. I should have done more last time. I started going when I found out we had orders last time and will go this time if I need to/my friends tell me to. This is a great option. Friends are amazing, but this is serious stuff and often too much for them to take on. Military therapists are available, and often for free and by phone/Skype!