Anxiety: The Little Monster that Ruins Things

I'm having a lovely Sunday morning. I woke up early and cuddled with my dogs, ate Greek yogurt with fresh strawberries, and sipped coffee while I researched some blogging tips on Pinterest. In a little bit I'm meeting some of my best friends for lunch before we go bridesmaid dress shopping. Sounds like a perfect day, right? Well, it should be, shouldn't it? But when anxiety is part of your life, wonderful things can be ruined. I had trouble eating breakfast because my stomach is upset (despite the fact that I'm starving and my breakfast was delicious), my chest is tight, my mind is everywhere, and I feel jittery. This makes me unable to relax and enjoy my morning, and not look forward to my afternoon. This is probably connected to the fact that James is gone today at the Drill center. He left early and I woke up alone on a rainy morning with all the animals curled up with me. That's when I got that feeling - the "this is what it's going to be like" feeling. For a moment, in my early-morning delirium, I thought James had already deployed. As I write this, I'm getting lovely stomach cramps that are ruining my Cinnabon flavored coffee!

I've dealt with anxiety my whole life. I'm used to all these things and - after years of therapy and working in a mental health facility, plus a deployment - I have learned not to let anxiety rule my life. During the last deployment, I was an anxious mess, having multiple panic attacks a day in the beginning. By the end of deployment, I was working my way off my anxiety meds and panic-attack free. The deployment forced me to face things and do things alone. Once I learned that I could do things and was more capable than I realized, I was better able to control my anxiety. This does not mean that I don't still get anxious - very anxious - and some times it is more than I think I can handle. I know that this does not make me a weak person. Dealing with my anxiety makes me a strong person.

How I'm coping so anxiety doesn't ruin things:

• Recognizing my symptoms: trouble sleeping, stomach pains, loss of appetite, obsessive thinking/worrying, mood swings, tight chest, trouble breathing, difficulty focusing, occasional panic attacks.
• Identifying the cause: I can help minimize my anxiety if I know what's causing it in the moment. When we went to see Zero Dark Thirty, the crowds before the movie and the content of the movie caused high anxiety. I didn't know what was happeneing, I just started having severe stomach pains in line I assumed was heart burn from the shrimp tacos and margarita I just had. I left the situation and walked to a less crowded area, took some deep breathes, and tried to clear my head. The pains in my stomach subsided and my breathing calmed. That's when I knew it was anxiety and thought about why. Once I knew that was the issue, I stayed away for a bit, gave myself a pep talk, took my anxiety meds, and went back. I ended up fine. If I am able, I journal about my anxiety, that often leads to the source. Then I can create a plan, talk to someone, and move forward.
• I've gone back on anxiety medication. I have been off of it and coping well for years. Going back on it was difficult, I didn't want to admit I need that help. But I can deal better with my feelings if they are a bit more controlled and not controlling me. 
• Dealing with it. Anxiety is caused by fear. Those fears are rooted in something. The fear doesn't just go away, I have to face it and deal with it. Once I learn that I don't need to be afraid, or that I have more power than I realize, the anxiety at least lessons. In facing deployment, I have to face the deployment in order for my fear to go away. So, anxiety will be a part of my daily life. I can create plans for how to deal with my fears as well as share them and talk about them. I may still have anxiety, but this helps make it more manageable. I always say "you have to put your big girl panties on and face your shit." 

After this, I'm already feeling a bit better. The anxiety isn't gone - but it's more manageable and I'm not in physical pain at least. It's time to go enjoy my day and try on bridesmaid dresses! Despite my anxiety and deployment, my life - and other people's lives - are still going on. I can't stop everything because I'm having a hard time. I have to put my big girl panties on and keep going, giving myself grace when I need it.