Sunday night was a rough night. My anxiety from that morning came back full force around 11pm. With OCD and high anxiety, preparing for deployment is a special time for me, to put it nicely. Especially when, as Navy Reservists, we only deal with it every 4 years or so. Each deployment is brand new and requires starting prep work over from scratch. The insomnia and anxiety I dealt with last time are back. Not as strong, but more than I expected. This is a completely different situation. We've been married 5 years instead of 5 months, I'm 28, not 23, and both us and our relationship are different. I can only hope my sleeplessness is an occasional thing and not nightly. Occasionally is normal and totally tolerable.
Fortunately, one thing that is still around that got me through the last deployment is Golden Girls on the Hallmark Channel late, late at night. (I also have every season on DVD in case of emergencies). Sophia, Blanche, Rose and Dorothy also never sleep. I can at least pretend that I am having cheesecake with them at 3am while discussing life's problems. When all esle fails, I get out of bed and turn on the TV and drift in and out of sleep while listening to St. Olaf stories. This usually leads to odd dreams about pale farmers. Thank God for those crazy, fabulous old women. They have been with me through some of the worst parts of my life. I've watched them through depression, deployment, and terrible Mono.
When I'm not sleeping or losing myself in old episodes of Golden Girls, I'm worrying. Thoughts run through my head like they are competing in a marathon. One thought leads to another ridiculous thought, then they circle back around the track. When I have big things going on that I can't control, I obsess over little things. What decorations will I get for James going-away party? How do I cook meals for just one person? I'll need envelopes that are labeled for budgeting. Should I go back to the gym, or will that leave the dogs at home too long by themselves? What if I go to work and forget to let the dogs back in the house again? I should find the cord for the DVD player to put upstairs. I need to make sure people get James address and put a link in my blog for care package do's/don'ts.
Last night, I was paranoid that I wouldn't be able to sleep again, that the previous night would be the new norm. I took every precausion. I journaled every single thought that I had in my head. It took an hour and a half. It basically looked like the above paragraph, one sentence after another, all disconnected. At least I know that the thoughts are written down so I won't forget and I can sort out the important ones. I took the last of my Valierian Root (it's very helpful, but smells like my dogs ears), drank Sleepy Time tea, used a hot pad on my neck, and prepared for the worst. This, of course, was ridiculous. When you worry about not being able to sleep, guess what happens? James pointed this out and I tried to just relax. Probably the most effective thing I did was journal everything possible. This needs to be my new habit. Journaling as much as possible helps me sort everything out, it feels like I am emptying my brain. The next step is to keep my journal, pen, and a book light by the bed to write down all my ridiculousness late at night. Fortunately, I was able to relax last night when I stopped focussing on sleep and reminded myself that all my thoughts were safely written down. I was alseep before the second guest on Conan.
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