Pre-Deployment Burn-Out

Deployment prep is winding down, all the arrangements have been made for the Going Away party, arrangements are made for family and friends to visit, and if I have to say the word "deployment" one more time, I think I'm going to punch someone.

If you anything like me, and deployment is getting close, you are probably feeling the same way. You just want to get on with it so it can get over. When you are alone in the house, you imagine your spouse is already gone, and it makes you sad but it's a little bit of a relief. The waiting, the planning, the heartache, the lists, the questions from other people, it all starts to wear on you. Being type-A, I've been throughough in my planning and prep work, and if I have to read one more thing on pre-deployment planning, I think I'm going to go crazy. Deployment prep has been consuming my thoughts and causing stress, anxiety, and sadness for several months now.

I don't know what this phase of deployment is called. I'm going to call it Pre-Deployment Burn-Out. I've been dealing with a lot of the normal things like denial, planning, emotional detachment, anxiety, and so on. But what about feeling guilty for wanting the deployment to just happen already? I seriously feel terrible just saying those words out loud, let alone posting them! But, it's the thing that nobody wants to say but that every military wife feels at some point.

The truth is, I don't want my husband to leave. Of course not. But, he's going to leave, and we've been talking about it and getting ready for it for months. It's going to hurt and be difficult, and it's a natural tendency to want to run away from pain, to rip of the Band-Aid quickly so it can be over.

So...what to do at this phase of Pre-Deployment Burn-Out?

• Take a break from your lists. Yes, it's important to have all your important affairs in order, but if there are little things that can wait, let them wait. If you haven't cleaned out behind the fridge for 3 years, another year won't hurt. The world isn't going to fall apart if you can't cross of every little project on your list. As long as the big things are in order, let go of the small things that won't affect anything if it's not done.
• If you aren't burnt-out yet or getting close to departure dates yet, set your deadlines for your lists for  2-3 weeks before your spouse's departure date. That way, the last couple weeks won't be spent burnt out AND still trying to get big things done AND dealing with the fact that your spouse leave in a matter of days. Plan family visits and going away parties for no sooner than 2 weeks before deployment so you aren't focused on being a hostess when you want to be focused on your spouse.
• Reassure each other that the reason you want to get on with deployment is because you love each other and it will be difficult when you actually have to say goodbye. You both know that the sooner your spouse leaves, the sooner he or she can be home. Don't beat yourself up with guilt for these feelings.
• Stop Focusing On Deployment. Tell your friends that you want to relax and have fun and not think about your spouse leaving, though you appreciate their questions and concern. When I'm with my husband, my brain often goes to "soak it all in, he will leave soon" to prepare myself emotionally. And then I start crying, and then he gets sad too and tells me to stop, he's not gone yet.  And, he's right. He's not gone yet, and getting sad at moments when you are trying to be happy and enjoy each other is a huge buzz kill. Push back the sadness for the moment, and be sad later, when you aren't trying to enjoy a nice dinner.
• Allow yourself moments of sadness to write in your journal, write letters you may or may not send to your spouse, and have your own private moment of grief. This will help keep you from melting down at the grocery store or at girls night.
• Enjoy Yourself. You have worked hard! You have done the work, and you will be okay. Have fun going on date nights, enjoy visits with your family that want to see your spouse. If you are throwing a going away party, have fun at it! Go get a pedicure, go on walks, read a book for fun (that has nothing to do with the military) watch bad TV, and try to let yourself relax.
• Enjoy Your Spouse. Instead of getting stuck in the sadness, love the fact that he is HERE. Have fun cooking his favorite meals, spend a little money at Victoria's Secret, take extra time to cuddle and watch your favorite movies, go out together, take a long weekend. Enjoy each other. Reaffirm you love and talk to each other.