The "C" Word: Counseling

Whenever you go to a Family Day, military event, or get on the military websites, "counseling" is always brought up. They always mention counseling services, have a counselor speak, and discuss the importance of counseling. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that a lot of people (myself included) have not used the counseling services available. Let's face it. No one likes to talk about counseling, therapy, or any of that. It sucks and it makes you feel crazy and like you can't handle things. There's a stigma that surrounds seeking counseling. We all think we are fine and can just power through. I have been through therapy before, I even worked in an inpatient mental health facility for 5 years, and I still dread the idea of counseling. I don't want to admit that life is difficult right now, I have hard things that I'm working through, and I need a little help. But honestly, that's just my pride talking.

My theatre professor in college gave us a long lecture on therapy one day. He said "if you don't need therapy, you don't need Jesus. Because if you don't need therapy, you obviously have your life together and can handle things on your own. You don't need a savior." (This makes more sense if you know I went to a Christian college). I really thought about that, though. If I don't need therapy or counseling, that means I have no issues to work through, and I can handle things just fine on my own. What use is there for friends or other people in my life? The truth is, everyone has something in their life they need help with, and being a military spouse means you have a lot of stressful situations in your life you could use some help with, especially around deployment. Also, being healthy and taking care of yourself helps your deployed spouse. He can do his job better if he knows that you are okay and finding healthy ways to cope. My husband will be affected if he knows I'm not okay, and if I'm unloading my problems and telling him how hard it is all the time, that will just make him feel guilty and worry. If he is not stressed about me, he can do his job better. If he can focus on his job, he will be more likely to be safe.

Yes, I have my friends I can depend on. But especially being a Reservist couple, we don't have military friends, there's no base near by with people going through the same thing, and others in the unit aren't even that close. And while having those things and a good support network is great, everyone is working on their own stuff and dealing with deployment within their own family. While they can empathize, they can't always do much more.  My friends love me and are supportive, but don't understand and often can't handle everything I'm going through. My best friend said to me the other day when I was considering counseling. "I love you and I'm hear to listen, but I don't know what your going through and maybe it's a good idea to talk to someone who can handle it and who understands." That's just it, I can't put ALL of this on my friends, I need the help of someone outside, someone subjective, someone who "gets" deployment and military life.

So, last night, after weeks of thinking about it and putting it off, I called Military One Source and did a counseling assessment. First thing you need to know about these assessments is that if you are already feeling "crazy" for calling about counseling, this will make you feel worse, but power through that part. It's all for insurance purposes. They are going to tell you they have to report if there is sexual/pysical abuse, and so on. They aren't saying this is happening or going to happen, it's a necessary disclaimer. Then, they are going to ask you if you want to harm yourself or others, and more awesome questions like that. It's all just part of the "assessment" to see if you qualify for the counseling they offter. Which, if you are calling about the stress of deployment, work, money related things, couples counseling, and so on, they are going to be able to hook you up.

I did my assessment. And while I'm not thrilled about it, I'm also not ashamed. Deployment is hard. Military One Source connected me with a counselor in my area that works with them, and provided me with 12 FREE solution-based counseling sessions with a counselor that specializes in stress and anxiety (Military One Source also offers phone and online counseling options). Now, for those of you apprehensive about counseling because you don't want to delve into your whole life history and your relationship with your mom when you were five, this will make you feel better. Solution-based counseling means helping you cope with the situations you are facing NOW. You don't have to talk about how you were picked on in preschool or go into anything like that. You just work on what is presently troubling you, and gain tools and coping skills to get through it. I want to talk about deployment and my anxiety and stress related to that, and that's what we will talk about. Another awesome things is that if you don't have a "good fit" with the counselor, just call Military One Source back after a few sessions and they will connect you with a new counselor and restore those 3 used sessions.

I'll be honest with you, this was not an easy thing to do, and it's not an easy thing to write about and publish for the world. But, I believe it's important to erase the stigma of counseling. We all need help sometimes, and our friends can't always (and shouldn't) take on all that we are going through. Most importantly, no one should have to go through life feeling stuck or on their own. You are not on your own in deployment. I've tried to "power through" before and do deployment on my own, and it was a million times harder. Seeking counseling is hard and it's okay to be scared. And, if you need help further than the 12 free solution-based sessions, or medical counseling (Military One Source offers non-medical, which means no psychiatric diagnosis or medication), Military One Source will connect you to TriCare and your counseling and meds will be covered that way.

The truth is, going to counseling doesn't mean you aren't strong and independent. It doesn't mean you are falling apart and you can't handle things. It doesn't mean that you are broken or crazy. It does mean that you are human, you don't have all the answers, and talking to someone flat out is helpful. This is what I have to remind myself often as I put my big girl panties on, admit that I need a little help, and make the necessary phone calls and appoitments to take care of myself.

Military One Source

OPSEC: Rules about what you can post online about deployment/missions

OPSEC Rules for blogs, forums and chat (free to use and modify)

Operations Security can’t be summed up in a brief list of rules and regulations and be expected to cover every possible situation. However, many forum, blogs and chat rooms need to set certain standards and guidelines in order to promote good OPSEC practices. These guidelines are often referred to as “OPSEC Rules”, and must be acknowledged before an account is created.
This article will provide a basic set of OPSEC rules for free, unrestricted use on any site or forum. Please note that this is not an inclusive list, and should be modified to fit the requirements on the medium. Please note that these OPSEC rules are primarily directed towards Military sites, but it may be modified to fit any other application.

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OPSEC Rules for (forum, blog, chatroom name):

1. Do not post exact deployment dates or redeployment date,  redeployment, underways, field training, or any other exercise where command movement is involved.
2. Do not reveal camp locations, including nearby cities. After the deployment is officially announced by Military officials, you may discuss locations that have been released, normally on the Country level.
3. Do not discuss convoy routes (“we travelled through Takrit on our way to X”)
4. Detailed information on the mission, capabilities or morale of a unit
5. Specific names or actual nicknames
6. Personnel transactions that occur in large numbers (Example: pay information, powers of attorney, wills, etc)
7. Details concerning security procedures, response times, tactics
8. Don’t discuss equipment or lack thereof, to include training equipment
9. Don’t speculate about future operations
10. If posting pictures, don’t post anything that could be misconstrued or used for propaganda purposes. A good rule of thumb is to look at your picture without your caption or explanation and consider if it could be re-captioned to reflect poorly on coalition forces. For example, your image might show your Soldier rescuing a child from a blast site, but could be re-captioned to insinuate that the child being captured or harmed. (it’s happened!)
11. Avoid the use of count-up or count-down tickers for the same reason as rule #1
12. be very careful if posting pictures of your loved one. Avoid images that show significant landmarks near their base of operations, and black out last names and unit affiliations
13. Do not, ever, post information about casualties (coalition or enemy) before the official release of the information.
14. Do not pass on rumors (“I heard they’re coming home early”, etc) 
15. Posting information in regards to a ship or sub or any other Navy related material that could be of sensitive material (including, but not limited to underways, deployments, and any exercise involving command movement) must be posted with the link from the media in EVERY post or thread you make.
16. When discussing deployments or underways please do not say the EXACT amount of time leading to, counting down, or the duration. Please put ' x months, x weeks, x days'. For example, instead of saying "He'll be home in 4 months", say "He'll be home in X months".
17. Duty section/turnovers/etc can be used for malicious intent. Please be cautious in posting in depth information.
18. Posting information for Army, Marines, Air Force or any military branch, all need to follow OPSEC when creating threads and posts.

If you have any questions, contact your (or your sponsor’s) unit OPSEC manager.
These OPSEC rules aren’t meant to limit your free speech or restrict your liberties- that’s exactly what our Men and Women in uniform fight to protect. However, they are designed to help ensure the safety and security of the Service Members in your life.
Remember, no matter your affiliation, status, rank or age- you have a part in the security of your loved one!

OPSEC
OPSEC Guide for Family and Friends

It's not just hard for me

As I was laying in bed last night, I was making lists in my head of all the things I need to do for James' going away party. Eventually, I sat up and made a list on my phone so I could at least know it was written down, that always helps me stop thinking about it. I had been beating myself up for not working on all the stuff I needed to and just laying around in my sweats all day. I contemplated making a to-do list next (even though it would be my tenth one). Instead I just tried to sleep.

I was trying to stay as close to my side of the bed as possible. My husband is still sick and I'm trying desperately not to catch whatever it is he has. He was grouchy because he didn't feel good, and once again our dog had licked his side of the bed and it was all wet. Harley, the bed licker, was crouching in the hallway, feeling guilty for licking the bed. As I made my list and James settled in, he called Harley over to the bed and pet him. "Ya know?" he said, "I'm going to miss the dogs so much when I leave. I don't even like leaving for a two week AT because I know they get sad. And the dogs don't get to cope like you do, they don't get to go out with their friends or anything. They just have to stay home and be sad. I can't tell them why I am leaving, they are going to think I abandoned them..."

That nearly broke my heart. I felt guilty for lying in bed worrying about finding batteries for our video camera for James' going away party. I realized that sometimes, in the midst of all my planning, worrying, obsessing, and sadness, I forget just how hard this is for James.  I will still be here in our home, with our friends and family, while he is far away sleeping in a tent. I reached up and held James' hand in the dark, risking certain illness. I promised him that I would walk the dogs, take them to the park, let them sleep in bed with me, and do my best to take care of them and make sure they are happy. I even told James that I would show the dogs his picture and tell them all the time he is coming home soon. Harley is especially attached to James, and stares at the door when he isn't home. I said I would make a bed for him out of James' old clothes so he could cuddle up with James' scent. I cuddled closer to my husband and told him how much I would miss him. I didn't care anymore about getting sick.

The Normal-Every-Day, But Different

There isn't prep work to do all the time, there's mostly just normal life before my husband leaves. Life keeps happening despite what's looming in the future. Of course, deployment is always in the back of my mind. I am actually getting sick of the word "deployment." I've been saying it for months now. It's the thing that is always there in the future, that everyone asks about and wants details about, that I'm thinking about more frequently throughout the day, that I always feel like I'm not doing enough to get ready for. It's normal at this point to begin to just want deployment to happen, to get on with it so you can move forward, instead of thinking about it happening.

My husband is leaving this week for 4 days to go to the nearest base to take care of Navy business. While I hate he's leaving, I'm looking forward to the time alone. It's almost like it's only little prep time. I planned meals for just myself, thought about how I'm going to spend the time by myself: working out, walking the dogs, catching up on the laundry, reading. He's a big meat eater, and I'm a former vegetarian. While he's gone I'll be eating chickpea salads, stir-fry with quinoa, and making my first "veggie loaf."

But for today, it's normal life. We are both in sweats catching up on DVR. He is sick, I have mountains of laundry, and we are both tired from being out with our off-roading Jeep club last night. The dogs are going between barking at passing cars and napping in front of the space heater. It's just normal-every-day-life. We just happen to be a military family so things are just different now, even in the daily routines. The normal feels a little bit different.

Manager of the Universe

I'll admit it:. I have control issues. It's kind of a problem sometimes. I was thinking about this in my detox bath tonight. The 2 year old I nanny for has the flu, and the flu is kind of a big deal this year if you haven't noticed. He threw up on me yesterday, and I went to work and took care of him today for 8 hours (and got thrown up on again). Subsequently, in the last 24 hours I've had 3 cups of Echinacea Immune Support tea, 3 oranges, Super C juice, chicken noodle soup, Airborn tablets in my water, anti-oxidant Vitamin Water Zero, slept 10 hours, taken a detox bath, taken 2 multivitamins, stocked up on Pepto Bismol tablets, and I will probably have more Airborn or Echinacea tea before I get a good night's sleep tonight. I've also sent alerts to my friends that I have plans with this weekend warning them that I may have to cancel due to illness. Oh, and I've used a boat load of hand sanitizer....and I've Lysoled myself. It occured to me tonight while laying in a tub of my own toxins that I may still get the flu. I get it every year despite my yearly flu shot and all my efforts.

I have had the need to control things since I was a child. When I was six I remember spending hours just organizing my stuffed animals. Occasionally, my need to control is beneficial. I am highly organized, a good employee, and in someone else's crisis I can step in a manage a situation quite well. However, it is in the situations I can't control that I tend to go into over drive (anxiety) or shut down (depression).

As you can imagine, desiring to control things can be a problem when you are a military wife. The military is in control. And I must say, I can be far better organized and more efficient than the military, at times. This last year has been a special challenge. We have been waiting on orders for my husband to deploy, and things in our lives - big things - were contingent upon those orders. Of course, now that we have them there is the issue that orders change! They say in the military "you don't know when you are leaving til you are gone, you don't know where you are going til you get there, and you don't know when you will be back until you are home." Well isn't that just freaking awesome.

Preparing for the last deployment, I got my first real taste of the fact that I am not in control of life. While having a lovely panic attack in the Commanding Officer's office with a military therapist (this is how I spent Family Day, by the way), we got to the root of the issue. The therapist informed me that I am not the Manager of the Universe. As you can imagine, this news came as quite a shock. I may have even argued about why I should, in fact, be Manager of the Universe. It took the first six months of James being in Kuwait for my to get my life together, after it falling apart because James left and I had lost control of everything. Let's just say, if I were Manager of the Universe, I would have been promptly fired and informed that I would not be getting a recommendation for my next job.

In my attempts to super-charge my immune system and stave off the flu, I realized that all the herbs in the world can't stop the virus if nature just decides I need to get the flu. Just like I can't control the issues in the world, and the fact that my husband's job is to do what the government calls him to do, whenever they decide to call him to do it. And both those things kinda suck. I don't want to get the flu, and I want to have a say in deployments. However, life does not care about my plans. Letting go of my need to control is one of my biggest issues in my life, and in being a military wife. I can help myself cope by planning, making lists, preparing my friends, sharing my feelings, attending support groups, and so on. But Murphy's Law always applies to deployments. The day after James' leaves, one of the dogs will get lose, I will get a flat tire, the garbage disposal will break, I will lose my keys, and I have no idea what kind of emotional state I may be in in the midst of all that. The only thing I can really do is roll with it and do the best I can in that moment with what I have. I can't plan for everything. And I'll make it through.

Creating an Emergency Folder & Helpful Links

One of the projects I am working on right now is getting together an "Emergency Folder" in case something happens to one or both of us during deployment. This is actually an important folder to have together anyway, I compiled this list from one of my friend's lists as well as military resources

Emergency Folder:

• Copies of car titles and registrations
• Address
• Birth dates
• Social Security Numbers and copy of cards
• Military ID # and copies of IDs
• Drivers License Numbers and copy of licenses
• Lists of all debts and loans, account numbers, how to access accounts, loan agreements
• List of credit cards, numbers, 3 digit security numbers, numbers to call to cancel
• All screen names, passwords, and URLs for bills, blog, email, Facebook, Pinterest accounts
• Checking & Saving account numbers
• Front and back copies of all credit cards, insurance cards, passport
• Living will
• Letter of intent (instructions in case of death) 
• Copy of rental lease or mortgage papers
• Birth certificates
• Marriage certificate
• Appraisals for jewelry and other valuables
• Current Leave and Earning statement (LES)
• Military records, including copy of current orders
• Family medical and dental histories, including recent shots/vaccines
• Information about current investments, including stocks/bonds
• Bill of sale for major items and guarantee/warranty
• Power of Attorney

I am creating a "deployment binder" with this folder in it, as well as emergency contacts and all my other deployment information. The folder will go in a fire safe an undisclosed location. A couple of friends and family will have access. It is important to make sure you fully trust the people you allow to have access to this information, as well as ask if they are comfortable with the responsibility. Those are the people I have also given the information to to contact the Red Cross in case of emergency. The Red Cross will be able to locate and contact your service member where ever they are. This is only if you really need to get ahold of them and if you need them to come home. The Red Cross will ask if you need the service member to come home. Answer "yes" because you cannot change your answer. It may take them several days or even weeks to get home, so it's important to have your information and arrangements made in case of the worst. Another family member may be responsible for planning a funeral or handling finances if your spouse can't get home right away- and when they get home, it would be helpful to have everything in order so that they don't have the extra responsibility. If you have children, there are also plans that need to be made and those should also go in this folder.

Emergency planning and arranging legal documents is one of the yuckiest parts of deployment prep. Actually, just now my husband informed me he is traveling to a nearby base in the next week to take care of his Will and Power of Attorney. It is no fun, and actually just really scary, to have to do this work. It's hard enough wrapping your brain around your service member leaving  and being in danger, but to actually have to plan for either of your deaths makes it very real. Creating a will and Power of Attorney was something I was not prepared for last time, and it all freaked me out. This is all important stuff to deal with, part of facing the reality of the situation, and ultimately you will feel less panicked if you have a plan. Planning for an emergency is also incredibly tedious. But, getting this information together is one of the most important parts of your deployment prep. I have definitely been putting it off, and therefore putting other parts of prep off because I feel like I shouldn't do anything else until the emergency folder is done. Think of it a different way: this is just important information to have together in case of an emergency - any emergency, including non-deployment related. Two of my non-military friends have similar information together with copies given to a family member. It's good to have all legal information and important paper work organized, and deployment is an excuse to hurry up and get it all done. Once it is done, there will be that much less work to do for the next deployment! Plus, your friends will all be impressed with how organized you are!


Here are some more resources from Military One Source: 
Legal documents you should have before you deploy
Deployment readiness
 **Casualty Assistance**

The Importance of Not Preparing

I had very specific goals for this weekend. I made lots of lists of all that I would do, and a serious drive to do everything on those lists. I planned to lock myself in the house and make it a "deployment prep weekend." My goals for the weekend included:

1. Work on getting documents in order: Will, letter of instruction, paperwork on all our debts
2. My deployment binder: Getting important documents organized in that binder, completing list of emergency numbers
3. Reading literature about deployment
4. Making a detailed blog entry about all the work I had done and listing links and resources for others. 

I accomplished none of those goals this weekend. What I did was:

1. Cleaned the house and cooked meals for James's friends who came from out of town to visit him before he leaves
2. Drove 30 minutes to another town to spend a long afternoon having coffee with one of my best friends, saw her house, and met her new puppy
3. Took a nap
4. Went out for dinner with our guests and ate a huge steak
5. Met one of my good friends and had blueberry beer and friend pickles, talked, and laughed our asses off at one of our favorite local bars
6. Slept in, then went out for waffles with our guests and spent the morning with them
7. Took a nap
8. Watched Iron Man 2 with James (on cable for 3 hours)
9. Did not read anything about deployment, blog, or check things off of any lists

Overall, I would call it an incredibly successful weekend. 

In getting ready for deployment, a very stressful time that it's important to prepare for, it's super easy to lose focus of the moment. I tend to get obsessive about my lists and all that I need to do to the point where I am burnt out and stressed. In that stress, I can get anxious and cranky and start to avoid the people who matter. When I talk to my friends, deployment is all I talk about because it's always on my mind. I spent most of last week in this place, feeling so busy and stressed and overwhelmed that I just couldn't handle anything else. I thought that the best thing to do was to just spend a weekend cranking out important work so that I would feel better. Fortunately, I accepted offers when friends called and wanted to hang out as well as focused on our company from out of town. I "put off" my planning for today. But after our weekend guests left, I decided I was too tired for my "important work" and could not say no when my husband asked me to sit down and watch TV with him. And that's I spent my evening.

 As we sat and watched Iron Man 2,  I started feeling the urge to write - something I haven't felt in several days. I was beginning to get concerned, honestly. I thought "what do I have to write about? I did nothing productive or deployment-related." The thought of doing research for a blog post about important prep work sounded awful. I had pretty much resigned to not posting because I didn't want to admit my "extreme lack of work."  Then I realized, that was exactly the point. What I did was relax, share what's going on in my life with my friends (including things non-deployment related, because those things are still happening as well!), catch up on my friends' lives (because, despite James impending departure date, they also have important things going on and need me as well), enjoyed playing hostess, napped and took care of myself, and spent time with my husband. In the midst of all my lists and all my "important work," these things matter, and my life is still happening. I still have needs, my friends have lives, my husband is still here, and being present in my life is the most important thing I can do any time in any situation.

While I may not have gotten any "important work" done, I'm so happy that this is how I ended up spending my weekend and refuse to let myself feel guilty. Letting go of my occasionally ridiculous expectations of myself is what allowed to relax and be present this weekend - not getting the work done and "out of the way" so I could relax later. And eventually, instead of staring at the computer and feeling like I have nothing important to say, I got inspired, poured myself some Cupcake wine (Reisling tonight), and wrote about my real success this weekend: not obsessively preparing and giving myself room to breathe.

Positive Sloth

I have a tendency to go into "sloth mode" during difficult times in my life. Sloths sleep 15-18 hours a day and rarely leave the safety and comfort of their trees - they actually only come down from their lovely tree home once a week to go to the bathroom. While I may not hit the 15 hours a day mark (but have been known to) and I do make it to the bathroom more than once a week, I can definitely relate to this. Anyone who has been through a rough point in their lives or struggles with depression I'm sure can relate as well. It is much easier to sleep the day away in a safe place, isolate (female sloths tend to have one baby a year, but due to lack of movement may go longer in a year because they haven't found a male!), and wait for it all to go away. When dealing with deployment, some level of depression, exhaustion, and isolation is normal in the beginning phases. Disorientation and Depression are Stage 4 in the common stages of deployment (Pavlicin, 12). If your life looks like a Cymbalta commercial for more than a month, it's time to get some help.

Ironically, pictures of sloths make me incredibly happy. I have been known to drink wine and Pinterest search "happy sloths" on particularly bad days. I know that depression is an issue for me, and I'm sure I'll deal with it again here shortly - specifically after the dreaded "goodbye" at the air port. Goodbye parties will be over, all the planning with be done, and everything will start to set in. However, I refuse to go "full sloth" for too long. I'll give myself a few bad weeks and then move on and adapt. That's the plan, anyway - and having a plan is part of it. While I may be sloth-like sometimes, I'll at least move towards being a happy one like that guy up there.

One part of my plan is to have exciting things to do while James is gone. The opposites of depression and isolation are creativity and socialization...I'm actually looking forward to the chance to get to do projects, try new things, cook only the food that I like, and fill the DVR up with New Girl and Smash. Here's some of the things I'm doing to be a "positive sloth":

• Have a week devoted to watching only musicals
• Run with my dogs at the park regularly
• Learn to crochet and sew (this has historically been disastrous)
• Take art and writing classes
• Act in a play (It's been years, this may also be a disaster. I'll be sure you all get tickets)
• Plant a garden (or at least keep a Chia Pet alive)
• Re-do the bedroom: paint the walls and furniture & buy accessories
• Finish furnishing and decorating the office
• Connect with friends I haven't talked to in a while
• Go to museums regularly
• Take a solo-vacation (even stay in a hotel by myself!)
• LOTS of girl time with my best friends (whether they like it or not, I'll be on their door step)
• Eat cleaner foods, experiment with new recipes (maybe go vegetarian again?)
• Crafts, jewelry making, painting, whatever I feel like! 
• Join/start a book or craft club

Now don't these all sound like lovely ideas that would get anyone out of bed? (Or at least out of a tree long enough to pee?) Of course they do. That would be the goal. I'm going to be realistic - I'm sure I won't do all these things -and there's even more on my list. There will be sloth weeks where I don't answer my phone and hang out with only Blanche, Sophia, Dorothy and Rose. I am determined to achieve some of my goals and use this chance alone to grow and create.


Sources/Resources:
Surviving Deployment, Karen M. Pavlicin
MilitaryOneSource: Managing Emotions During Deployment
Wikipedia: Sloths
(And a special thanks to Pinterest and Cupcake Moscato for fueling my creativity- and my new appreciation for/connection with three-toed sloths)

Thank you

To my readers: 

This is just a personal note to say "thank you!" Thank you to everyone who has viewed and has been following my blog. In 14 days I have reached 620 page views, with readers in Canada, Germany, and India. It's so encouraging to have the support, especially at this time in my life. I have received a lot of positive feedback from people saying that it's nice to know what it is like for military families in this situation - thank you so much for that. While what I write is based on my own experiences, and other families experience a range of different things, helping people understand deployment is one of my goals. It's an unexpected goal, as I initially just expected to connect with other military spouses and  have a space to start writing again to help myself through this experience. I have been so surprised by the level of support and readership, and I'm so thankful for it. Many of you have reached out to me and James to offer support through this time, and I can't tell you what that means to us. I hope to keep moving forward and write with honesty.

Love,
Meghan

Insomnia and Old Lace

Sunday night was a rough night. My anxiety from that morning came back full force around 11pm. With OCD and high anxiety, preparing for deployment is a special time for me, to put it nicely. Especially when, as Navy Reservists, we only deal with it every 4 years or so. Each deployment is brand new and requires starting prep work over from scratch. The insomnia and anxiety I dealt with last time are back. Not as strong, but more than I expected. This is a completely different situation. We've been married 5 years instead of 5 months, I'm 28, not 23, and both us and our relationship are different. I can only hope my sleeplessness is an occasional thing and not nightly. Occasionally is normal and totally tolerable.

Fortunately, one thing that is still around that got me through the last deployment is Golden Girls on the Hallmark Channel late, late at night. (I also have every season on DVD in case of emergencies). Sophia, Blanche, Rose and Dorothy also never sleep. I can at least pretend that I am having cheesecake with them at 3am while discussing life's problems. When all esle fails, I get out of bed and turn on the TV and drift in and out of sleep while listening to St. Olaf stories. This usually leads to odd dreams about pale farmers. Thank God for those crazy, fabulous old women. They have been with me through some of the worst parts of my life. I've watched them through depression, deployment, and terrible Mono.

When I'm not sleeping or losing myself in old episodes of Golden Girls, I'm worrying. Thoughts run through my head like they are competing in a marathon. One thought leads to another ridiculous thought, then they circle back around the track. When I have big things going on that I can't control, I obsess over little things. What decorations will I get for James going-away party? How do I cook meals for just one person? I'll need envelopes that are labeled for budgeting. Should I go back to the gym, or will that leave the dogs at home too long by themselves? What if I go to work and forget to let the dogs back in the house again? I should find the cord for the DVD player to put upstairs. I need to make sure people get James address and put a link in my blog for care package do's/don'ts.

Last night, I was paranoid that I wouldn't be able to sleep again, that the previous night would be the new norm. I took every precausion. I journaled every single thought that I had in my head. It took an hour and a half. It basically looked like the above paragraph, one sentence after another, all disconnected. At least I know that the thoughts are written down so I won't forget and I can sort out the important ones. I took the last of my Valierian Root (it's very helpful, but smells like my dogs ears), drank Sleepy Time tea, used a hot pad on my neck, and prepared for the worst. This, of course, was ridiculous. When you worry about not being able to sleep, guess what happens? James pointed this out and I tried to just relax. Probably the most effective thing I did was journal everything possible. This needs to be my new habit. Journaling as much as possible helps me sort everything out, it feels like I am emptying my brain. The next step is to keep my journal, pen, and a book light by the bed to write down all my ridiculousness late at night. Fortunately, I was able to relax last night when I stopped focussing on sleep and reminded myself that all my thoughts were safely written down. I was alseep before the second guest on Conan.

Anxiety: The Little Monster that Ruins Things

I'm having a lovely Sunday morning. I woke up early and cuddled with my dogs, ate Greek yogurt with fresh strawberries, and sipped coffee while I researched some blogging tips on Pinterest. In a little bit I'm meeting some of my best friends for lunch before we go bridesmaid dress shopping. Sounds like a perfect day, right? Well, it should be, shouldn't it? But when anxiety is part of your life, wonderful things can be ruined. I had trouble eating breakfast because my stomach is upset (despite the fact that I'm starving and my breakfast was delicious), my chest is tight, my mind is everywhere, and I feel jittery. This makes me unable to relax and enjoy my morning, and not look forward to my afternoon. This is probably connected to the fact that James is gone today at the Drill center. He left early and I woke up alone on a rainy morning with all the animals curled up with me. That's when I got that feeling - the "this is what it's going to be like" feeling. For a moment, in my early-morning delirium, I thought James had already deployed. As I write this, I'm getting lovely stomach cramps that are ruining my Cinnabon flavored coffee!

I've dealt with anxiety my whole life. I'm used to all these things and - after years of therapy and working in a mental health facility, plus a deployment - I have learned not to let anxiety rule my life. During the last deployment, I was an anxious mess, having multiple panic attacks a day in the beginning. By the end of deployment, I was working my way off my anxiety meds and panic-attack free. The deployment forced me to face things and do things alone. Once I learned that I could do things and was more capable than I realized, I was better able to control my anxiety. This does not mean that I don't still get anxious - very anxious - and some times it is more than I think I can handle. I know that this does not make me a weak person. Dealing with my anxiety makes me a strong person.

How I'm coping so anxiety doesn't ruin things:

• Recognizing my symptoms: trouble sleeping, stomach pains, loss of appetite, obsessive thinking/worrying, mood swings, tight chest, trouble breathing, difficulty focusing, occasional panic attacks.
• Identifying the cause: I can help minimize my anxiety if I know what's causing it in the moment. When we went to see Zero Dark Thirty, the crowds before the movie and the content of the movie caused high anxiety. I didn't know what was happeneing, I just started having severe stomach pains in line I assumed was heart burn from the shrimp tacos and margarita I just had. I left the situation and walked to a less crowded area, took some deep breathes, and tried to clear my head. The pains in my stomach subsided and my breathing calmed. That's when I knew it was anxiety and thought about why. Once I knew that was the issue, I stayed away for a bit, gave myself a pep talk, took my anxiety meds, and went back. I ended up fine. If I am able, I journal about my anxiety, that often leads to the source. Then I can create a plan, talk to someone, and move forward.
• I've gone back on anxiety medication. I have been off of it and coping well for years. Going back on it was difficult, I didn't want to admit I need that help. But I can deal better with my feelings if they are a bit more controlled and not controlling me. 
• Dealing with it. Anxiety is caused by fear. Those fears are rooted in something. The fear doesn't just go away, I have to face it and deal with it. Once I learn that I don't need to be afraid, or that I have more power than I realize, the anxiety at least lessons. In facing deployment, I have to face the deployment in order for my fear to go away. So, anxiety will be a part of my daily life. I can create plans for how to deal with my fears as well as share them and talk about them. I may still have anxiety, but this helps make it more manageable. I always say "you have to put your big girl panties on and face your shit." 

After this, I'm already feeling a bit better. The anxiety isn't gone - but it's more manageable and I'm not in physical pain at least. It's time to go enjoy my day and try on bridesmaid dresses! Despite my anxiety and deployment, my life - and other people's lives - are still going on. I can't stop everything because I'm having a hard time. I have to put my big girl panties on and keep going, giving myself grace when I need it.

Deployment Planning List - Link

Here is an incredibly helpful deployment planning resource via MilitaryOneSource.com

Deployment Info, Resources, and Checklists

Stupid Emotions

I'm not sure quite what it going on - most likely stress- but I have just been grouchy the last few days. I've had a short fuse with James and my friends. When I get home at night, I'm spent, and I don't have energy left to be nice to people. It's like when you can hear yourself talk, and you know you should stop, but you can't. I'm a full-time nanny, so my energy is spent being positive and understanding to kids all day. I don't get to say to my husband "that behavior is unacceptable, please make a different choice and change your behavior" (though I should probably be saying it to myself). All I want to do is curl up in my owl pajama pants with a glass of wine and be pissed (which is exactly what I've done, so I've been told). I've been sensitive and obsessive, and any criticism, suggestion, or comment makes me anxious. Hopefully this passes. I'm working on being more positive. Last night that meant just reading my Cosmo and not speaking. Oh, and finishing off the wine. It was a good week to buy Skinny Girl wine, lets just say that.

Part of this is probably my hormones, for sure.  It's also all the planning I've done in the last few days as well as normal stages of deployment. I've started the "random crying" phase. I'll hear a song on the radio or read a section in a book and just get sad. It's not accurate to say it's all related to deployment. It may also be that this was my first full week back at work after the holidays and taking care of the kids is taking all my energy and patience as we get back into a routine. I'm sure it's all of that, and probably more.

Tonight James and I are going out to dinner and a movie. We are seeing Zero Dark Thirty, which is may a terrible idea to be honest, or it will be just fine. I picked the last movie, though. It was This is 40 and James hated it, so I kinda owe him.  We'll see how it goes. I'm going to do my best to relax, not think about everything going on, and just have a nice evening out. That's the plan, anyway. I'm just hoping to make it through the night without bursting into tears or ripping anyone's face off. If I can manage that, I'm going to say I relaxed.  No, seriously. I really just want to have some fun and get out of this funk.

Plungers, Prozac, and a Gay Guy

I'm working on my "Deployment Tool Kit" tonight. I'm drawing from personal experience from our last 10 month deployment as well as Pavlicin's list in Surviving Deployment (if you can't tell, my most referred to book right now).

So let's get real. Military planning books will tell you a lot of great things, but not everything. Here are my recommendations based of my Tool Kit, my research, and my experiences: 

1. Industrial Plunger - it's worth it to pay extra for a good one that really works. Also, one of those things that catches your hair in the shower drain.
2. Rubber "gripper" for opening jars when I don't have access to "man hands" 
3. One of James' shirts that smells like him. Super helpful on those lonely nights
4. A journal
5. A gay guy or female date for events. I have some weddings and stuff to go to while James' is gone. I've been through this situation a lot, and I've learned that's it's just tacky to go with a straight/single male friend to parties and events. People, and even your husband - speculate that your husband being "replaced" by a  male presence around. Even if it's irrational and unfounded, save yourself the drama and put your husband's feelings first. Just suck it up and go alone - that's more fun anyway!
6. A messy house. It's hard to keep everything together when dealing with a deployment. Let your house be messy if that's how it needs to be for a bit! If someone's coming over, throw everything in one room and shut the door. Or just make a sad face and say "I miss my husband" even if you really just haven't done dishes because you just don't want to do them. Suggest going to their house instead! 
7. Jumper cables and an emergency car kit - and know how to use everything! 
8. A razor. After a while, it's time to shave your legs. I went a looonnnggg time last deployment. Why shave in the winter when you sleep alone every night, right? Because hairy legs are a reminder that you are alone and aren't getting any - and won't be for a while. You'll feel better when you finally shave, trust me.
9. Stationary, envelopes and stamps for all those letters you'll be mailing overseas. 
10. "Safety" items to keep by the bed - cell phone (charged), baseball bat (or tazer, or whatever), and a flash light. As well as a picture to stare at while you can't sleep.
11. Vibrator. Yep, I said it. We've all got needs, and those needs don't go away because our husbands are bravely fighting in a war. This isn't 1942. Stay away from hot men those times when you need to, don't get too drunk at parties with men, and don't party hard with single girlfriends. Buying yourself some batteries, 50 Shades of Grey, and Magic Mike on DVD is your safest bed. I sold Pure Romance as a hobby when my husband was away and had so much fun. Host a party at your house for your girlfriends. You'll have a lot of fun, get a lot of info and answers to questions, and get lots of free merchandise out of it. It's all confidential with private ordering.  Pure Romance.
12. Prozac. Or something like it if you really need it. I struggle with depression and anxiety, and it was pretty severe during my last deployment. Meds can be a helpful tool, not an "easy way out." If things are getting unbearable, get yourself in therapy or talk to your doctor about something to help you. There are also herbal supplements that can help. I had trouble getting out of bed for too long, and you can't deal with your emotions and face deployment if your biggest struggle is getting out of bed and wearing something other than your husband's PT sweats. 
13. Vitamins. Eat right, stay healthy, exercise. It will increase endorphins and immune system, both needed when you are feeling down. 
14. Girlftiends/Same gender friends. I talked about same-gender dates for events above. Again, your husband is far away and under enough stress, and loneliness and imagination are powerful things. Plus, just avoid the good feeling you get from being around a man when you are lonely. Avoid the drama and hang out with girls. My girlfriends are my best friends. I love them and I couldn't do this without them. 
15. My dogs. They cuddle with me at night, give me someone to take care of and someone to come home to, and will bark at loud noises. I highly recommend getting a dog - or fostering from your local shelter. 
16. Security plan - what do it in case of whatever emergency
17. Build-a-bear. This sounds lame, but it's so helpful. James and I made one together and we got voice recorders for his paws. He recorded messages for me that I could listen to while cuddling with my bead (Squishy) late at night. He even has a Navy uniform. 
18. Calendar, or some way to mark the days. I got a calendar at Family Days for our Unit that doesn't have numbers or months - just boxes. I can start the calendar when he leaves and write in my own months and days,  and end it when he comes back. There are notes on random days with positive things to go like "go for a walk" or "have a girls night."
19. Empathy. It's my job to support James through this and show empathy for other service members and their families. I also need to understand that I am not the only one having a hard time. James is having a hard time too, and his family and friends miss him as well. 
20. Faith. This will be okay. Don't be controlled by your fear.
21. Hair dye. It's a good time to get a new hair cut, change your look, dye your hair, buy clothes you wouldn't normally buy, play with make-up. No one else is there to have an opinion about it. And, if it's awful - you can dye your hair back or grow it out enough before your husband comes home - just wear a hat when you Skype. Last time my two new things were getting a nose ring and learning how to smoke a pipe. I'm not saying either of those were good choices, though. 
22. A Pinterest page. This is a great resource for finding fun new things to do and try - crafts, recipes, work outs, places to go, books, art, decorating tips. Create a list of new things to try. I'm actually kind of excited for this deployment so i can cook food James hates and modge-podge everything in our house. I also have an entire Pinterest board of happy sloths to make me smile on bad days. 

'
As I write this and work on my planning, James is sitting next to me on a conference call about mobilization. We are both preparing in our own ways. I think my tool kit is more fun than this conference call, though.

James' Job

My husband is in a Navy Cargo Unit. It's difficult to explain to people what he does, but this video pretty much sums it up!

NAVELSG

Our new office!

I FINALLY got an office set up in the loft! This is where I'll be spending a lot of time when James is deployed. It's where the computer will go (instead of the living room) and where my craft area is. So, this is where I'll be blogging, writing emails and letters to James, Skyping/talking online, and working on all the crafts I have planned. I'm excited to finally have my books out of boxes! The shelving was a Christmas present from my husband!

I'm also super excited about my "Navy wall." I'm so proud of my husband. I also thought the center picture was perfect for deployment. I want to paint the end table, get a new lamp shade, and get more pictures for the mural. I bought plain paper letters and modge-podged them with vintage map scrap book paper.

I'm really excited to have a craft area. I'm hoping to get a bigger craft table, more drawers, and maybe even a sewing machine.

I think it's important to have a creative space, and I'm so glad to have this all set up in time for deployment. I'm really looking forward to writing here, and it will be nice to not have my craft supplies all over the dining room when I'm in full-blown craft mode.  Garage sales this summer will be a must. I still need a big comfy chair, a larger craft table, curtains, a bulletin board, decorations for the other walls, and maybe a table for the tv if I decide to keep it up there.

What "Deployment Prep" Means (part 3)

Emotional preparation is a crucial part of preparing from being separated from your loved one. There are so so so many emotions that go into the whole situation. It's important to take care of yourself and be connected to yourself and each other and actually deal with that is going on. It's also important to know that your feelings are NORMAL, no matter what they are.

Anger is a normal emotion during this time. Anger is also a secondary emotion - it's often rooted in something else. I was incredibly angry last time James deployed. I was angry at James for being in the military and for deploying. I was angry at the government for the entire situation and had strong opinions about it. I could not bring together my beliefs/convictions and being a military wife. My anger at James came out of fear and feeling betrayed. I did not understand at the time why he would want to be a part of something that takes him away from me for long periods of time. I felt like I was being left. I was also terrified of being alone because I never had been. Eventually James and I had serious conversations about why he was in the military, which helped me to respect him instead of resent him. I am now able to support this choice, even admire it. I also learned that I can be alone and be okay, which is one of the best things that can come out of deployment - independence. It's okay to feel anger, fear, and betrayal  - but not okay to stay in that place for too long. It will only lead to resentment and depression, and have negative effects on your marriage. Accept orders as just that ORDERS. Accept that and try to make the forced separation a positive experience.

Another common emotion is guilt. Guilt for sometimes wanting the deployment. We both deal with that, too. For us, deployment means the chance to pay off credit cards and car loans, which is something I am really looking forward to. I was anxious waiting for orders and really wanting them so we could work on our finances. I also feel bad wanting my husband to leave! Some couples actually look forward to deployments. When I first read that, I thought that was the stupidest thing I ever heard. Now I am starting to understand. During the last deployment I found a lot of self-fulfillment. I learned new skills (how to unclog a shower drain and jump start a car to name a few) and I learned that I could be on my own. Plus, I got to see my friends all the time, journal, paint, read, and have a lot of great personal time. Now I am excited about having that opportunity again! I have projects planned and goals set that I am anxious to get to - which makes me look forward to this is some ways...which I of course have guilt over. Fortunately, James understands and since I am still of course going to miss him and he knows that, he prefers it this way. Don't get my wrong, I hate that he is leaving. I can find the good in it now, though.  The deploying spouse often experiences guilt as well. It's normal for them to look forward to the mission. It makes sense because this is their JOB and what they train for, and also a duty they feel called to. They feel guilt for wanting to leave, too. And that's okay.

I did not know or understand how to cope with these feelings very well last time. I did not experience guilt at that point, just fear, anger, betrayal, sadness...ya know, the works. Don't get me wrong, I am still scared and sad too. Less so, but it's still there and I still am working through it.

My positive coping tools (I'll write more on this later)

• I share my feelings with James. We have open conversations about the mission (as much as he can tell me), why he is in the military, and our feelings about this deployment. 
• Journaling is a major tool for me. Everything goes in my journal, I am completely uncensored and my husband knows not to read it. 
• My friends have been an amazing support. No, they can never fully understand. But, they can love me and support me. The more I tell them what they need, the better they can help. When we found out there was a possibility of orders, I let my best friends know and I keep them updated. I seriously have the best friends ever. 
• I don't have the option to go to Family Readiness Groups, but GO if you can. 
• Making plans for what I can do for myself during the deployment and setting goals. 
• My doctor. I have anxiety issues and struggle with depression. I'm honest with my doctor and go on medication when absolutely necessary. My family doctor is educated about those types of meds because she also works in a mental health facility. Not all are, I have had very bad experiences with this. Often a therapist/psychiatrist is your best tool.  There's no shame in this kind of help.  
• Therapy. I should have done more last time. I started going when I found out we had orders last time and will go this time if I need to/my friends tell me to. This is a great option. Friends are amazing, but this is serious stuff and often too much for them to take on. Military therapists are available, and often for free and by phone/Skype!  

What "Deployment Prep" Means (Part 2)

Aside from all the logistical preparations of making a will and getting the dogs vaccinated, there's the "people side" of preparing for deployment. This is the relationship and emotional work that needs to happen to keep your marriage and family strong during deployment, as well as yourself. This is the kind of work that I am better at doing, but it's still hard. Karen M. Pavlicin writes in Surviving Deployment "You are not ready to part with your spouse or loved on until you have developed a plan for the personal and family issues related to the situation" (p. 45). I have found this to be true. Like I've said, I was too scared and stressed to do a lot of this kind of planning last time, and our relationship suffered the consequences during deployment.

The most important thing is to TALK to each other. Talk openly about your fears and concerns. At this point, we mention deployment at least once a day in regards to something we are dealing with. Some days it's just "the dogs are really going to miss you while you are gone" and others it's "I'm concerned about you being on your own." These conversations have lead to important preparations, like James buying me an emergency car kit so he's less worried about me keeping up with car maintenance. It's also a normal time for fighting, and this can be a good thing if handled correctly. We fight because we are anxious and stressed about our upcoming separation. This can lead to emotional detachment and resentment, or healthy conflict that brings up things we need to deal with (such as me being terrible at vehicle up-keep.)

In this stage, it is vital to reaffirm your commitment to each other. It can be easy to focus on the separation and all the planning that needs done. But, if the separation is going to go well, your spouse needs to come first. The part of this that I don't like dealing with is remembering that being in the military is dangerous, and death or injury can occur even in training exercises. Communication and connecting to these fears is important.

Things that we do/will do for emotional/relational preparations:

• Decide how often to write/email/skype. It's important to set these boundaries and have realistic expectations
• Agree on what to talk about when he's deployed. How much bad news is okay to share? How much do I want to know about what's going on there? One of my boundaries is I don't want to know when he's doing combat training and working with fire arms. I don't want to know details of dangerous situations. It just makes me scared and I can't be there or do anything about it. One of his boundaries is he doesn't what to know all about problems I am dealing with that he can't do anything about. It's better for me to tell him after the fact (if at all). It's important for him to know that I am handling things and okay, not to stress over the fact that he's not there. It's okay to share some things, but it doesn't do either of us any good for him to know about every bad day and every household appliance that breaks.
• Talk to friends and family, let them know what our needs are and how to help. Be open about our feelings and how others can support us. This is one of my reasons for having this blog. We also keep close friends and family members in the loop. I even sent my parents a copy of Surviving Deployment and Going Overboard so they knew how to best support us. It's easy to just be resentful and say "I'm all alone, no one knows what I'm going through," especially in the Reserves where it's difficult to connect to other military families. The truth is, civilians can't know what we are going through as military families. We have to tell them, and understand that they are trying and do care.
• Create a budget for care packages, what to include/not include. Care packages can be awesome, but it's important for me to remember that James will be living in a tent with a cot, and to know what food will spoil before it gets there! Also, make sure friends and family are able to send mail/packages as well.
• Make sure each of us have cameras/how to best share pictures. 
• Decide how to document and share daily events in our lives with each other. Some couples create webpages for each other
• Spend more time together before James leaves. We have been going on more dates and talking more. It's important to not just focus on James' leaving, but the time we have before he leaves and connecting and making good memories. We like to have fun with each other. 
• Going-away party. This is important for us to do because it's not only me saying good-bye, it's friends and family too. I want James to feel supported and for everyone to get a chance to see each other before he leaves for a long time. 
• The military provides workshops and therapists to help deal with preparation and separation. Sometimes you have to work to get these things, but USE THEM. They are free! (see list of resources in previous post).

The military has gotten better about providing resources for families when it comes to emotional support. The military learned the hard way that this is important, especially after Viet Nam and the Gulf War. The saying used to be "if the military wanted you to have a family, they would have issued you one." Now it's "strong families build strong soldiers." Service members are stronger and better able to focus when they know their family is okay and adequately prepared. There's still work to be done, but it's vastly improved and I'm so grateful for the resources I have and for my Ombudsman.

 Well, I should probably get out of my pajamas and do some of these things on my lists! Ugh. I would much rather drink coffee and craft the rest of the day.

What "Deployment Prep" Means (part 1)

Many military families are often talking about "deployment prep," and it's difficult to know what that actually means. I didn't have to learn what it meant until our first deployment, and I was so stressed that I didn't do it very well. I'm not as good at deployment prep as more seasoned military wives, but I'm doing a lot of research and getting the hang of it.

Deployment prep is also a bit different for Reservist's families since how often we deal with deployment can vary. For us, in the Navy Reserves, James is only eligible to deploy every 4 years (ish) and if he deploys more often or sooner than that, it's volunteer, special circumstances, or national emergency (this can vary between branches of the Reserves). So, we can deal with deployment often or hardly ever, or our "regularly scheduled" every four years! Awesome, right?

First, there's what I call "the business side" of deployment prep (also called Logistical Preparations). It basically means doing everything that you need two people for, getting projects done before he leaves, getting paper work in order, making plans for the care of your family, deciding where you are going to live, and preparing for any possible disaster. It's pretty much a never-ending list that you never feel like you can get done, and after he leaves, wishing you had done even more prep.

The list can include the following: (This is my current list I'm working on/things I've done)

• Make a Will (the deploying spouse will do this through the military), a living will, and a letter of instruction. This is important for the deploying person to do, and for me. If something happens to me and he can't get home or it takes a while, it's important for everything to be taken care of. 
•  Make an "emergency phone list" including all family members to be contacted, police and fire departments, doctors and hospital phone numbers, Red Cross, etc. 
• Make sure the car is in working order, has had an oil change and tune-up
• Go to Family Days and get a bunch of information about deployment, resources, and meet others in the Unit (this is a VERY important step) 
• Read books on budgeting during deployment and create a new budget. Our income and finances will change while James is deployed, and it's a good opportunity to pay off debts.
• Copy important house-hold paper work (mortgage paper work, car titles, insurance information, marriage license, etc.) and put in a fire-safe .
• Replace/clean furnace filters
• Get the dogs vaccinated/groomed
• Make a list of items to stock-up on that James will need while deployed (deodorant, shampoo, etc.) and make sure to buy them
• Plan going-away party
• Get military ID renewed
• Switch from Reserve to Active Duty insurance with TriCare (military insurance)
• Get Power of Attorny
• Plan going-away party

That is just part of one of my lists! I'm creating a "deployment binder" with all my deployment information, lists, brochures and literature, resource, phone numbers, and anything else I can think of. A lot of my planning lists came from Surviving Deployment: A Guide for Military Families by Karen M. Pavlicin. I also have my "panic lists," the things I think of at 2am that need done. Those lists usually include the small stuff, like "I need to make sure I know where the plunger is" and "I need to get on Pinterest and find meals for one person" and "I need to remember not to let the dogs sleep with me every night." There seems like there's a million things to do, and I know I won't get it all done. But, having as much as possible done helps alleviate the stress of deployment. I can sleep better in the long wrong knowing that there is at least a plan.


Resources: 

• militaryonesource.com
• Military Spouse magazine
• NFAAS (provides disaster assistance) navyfamily.navy.mil
• American Red Cross 1-877-272-7337
• Fleet and Family Support Center1-888-231-0714
• Service Members Civil Relief Act (847) 688-4753
• americasupportsyou.mil
• lifelines.navy.mil

 **Please comment with any other preparation tips or resources!

Things you shouldn't say to a military spouse:

Here's a lit of things that you should not say to a military spouse, especially during deployment. Some of these have acutally been said to me or friends of mine. There are several of these lists floating around...here's my version (stolen partly from other lists)

• My husband had to go on a business trip for 3 weeks, I know how you feel.
•  No, no you don't. That is not the same at all! That just makes me want to punch you in the face

•  Aren't you afraid your husband will die? 
• Is that a real question? OF COURSE! And, thanks for reminding me to worry about that.

•  I have no idea how you are doing this, I could NEVER do it! 
• I really don't know how I'm doing this either. But, you just have to do it. Believe me, this isn't my preference. You would do it if it's what you had to do to stay married to your husband. (I know people are trying to compliment my strength or be encouraging, but everyone just does what they have to do to get by.)

• Your husband is going to Iraq/Afghanistan? Here is my opinion about...
• Nope, nope, nope. Stop right there. Not helpful and incredibly irritating.

•  At least he isn't in Afghanistan!
• Yes, going to Afghanistan is dangerous. But any deployment is difficult and scary, no matter where he's sent. All you are doing is minimizing the situation for me.

• How long does he have to stay in the military? 
• Until more people decide to be in the military. He wasn't drafted, this isn't a prison sentence. This is his choice, our choice, and I'm proud of him. 

• Did you hear about the soldiers killed in....
• Well, I try to avoid news about soldiers who die, thanks for bringing that up, though.

• Aren't you worried he's going to cheat on you? 
• Guess what? Married people can be apart from each other and not have affairs.Would you like to me to ask you that question next?

• You're single! Let's party! 
• No, I'm not single. And I'm trying to be supportive of my husband, so partying isn't a good idea. When I'm lonely, do you thinking drinking and partying is the best thing for me and my marriage?

•  Does he get to come home for Christmas/Birthdays?
• What do you think would happen if all the soldiers got to come home for Christmas? Yep, the military is going to give him the day off and fly him home for my birthday- put the mission on hold, everybody!. No. He gets to come home for the death of serious illness of an immediate family member. Maybe.  

•  I hope he doesn't come home in a body bag. 
• Someone ACTUALLY said this to my friend. What?

Phases and Stages of Deployment

For those who have been through or are going through deployment, it is important to recognize and know the stages and phases of deployment. It's also good for the loved ones to know about this, so it's easier to recognize and help the person you care about when experiencing deployment. These are the phases and stages as listed  in Surviving Deployment: A Guide for Military Families by Karen M. Pavlicin. (This book is pretty much my deployment Bible.)

• Phase I: Pre-deployment/Preparation
• Stage 1: Shock/denial/anger
• Unable to even process it's happening
• Refusing to deal with it
• Anger at the military/government/spouse
• Stage 2: Anticipation of loss
• Stage 3: Emotional detachment
• Restlessness, concern about future, irritablilty, anxiety or even panic can lead to emotional attachment. 
• Even though you are physically together, mentally and emotionally you are preparing for separation
• Deploying spouse may emotionally disconnect before you due to military training to do so. 
• Phase II: Deployment/Separation
• Stage 4: Disorientation/depression
• Jeaslousy triggered by friends and neighbors who have their loved ones home can lead to withdrawl
• Anger at the military for taking your spouse away when you need him/her
• Disruptions in routine
• Loneliness, anger, sadness
• Stage 5: Adaptation
• The "I can make it" stage. It does not mean you like being separated, it just means you are making the best of it. 
• Increase in self-confidence
• Stage 6: Anticipation of homecoming
• Stage 6 1/2: (sometimes)  Deployment extension
• There are many expectations which can delay home-comings. Don't listen to rumors of early home-coming. Get information from Command. Expect plane delays and flight changes. 
•  Phase III: Post deployment/homecoming/reunion
• Stage 7: Honeymoon
• The homecoming is never as perfect as you want it to be. The elation can last from the first hug to a few weeks. Then the reality of how much you've both changed sets in
• Stage 8: Reintegration
• Share your needs and feelings without forcing each other to talk
• You may feel a loss of control or freedom. Your returning spouse may feel isolated, unwanted, unneeded or left out. 
• Returning spouses may miss the camaraderie of those who served with him during deployment. 
• Be prepared for PTSD and seek professional help if this occurs. 

 Having been through deployment, I can say that at least for me, these stages and phases are pretty accurate. Each person, couple and deployment is different so stages, and how you handle them, may vary.


Right now, I am in Phase I, Stage 2: Anticipation of loss. I knew this deployment was coming for a long time, we were just waiting on the Unit and orders, which was incredibly frustrating. We knew for a year that this was coming for us, so that gave me a lot of time to accept that this was happening. Also, we decided as a couple on this deployment, he chose to go on this mission rather than waiting for a different one for him to inevitably be assigned to. Our first deployment, however, I was in the denial/shock/anger stage for a long, long time. I didn't know how to anticipate the loss or how to prepare, so I just stayed angry and scared. It is important to understand in this phase that this is your spouses JOB, this is what has to happen, and accept it and move on. Being angry and him or the military, the government or the war just distracts from dealing with the the reality that this is happening and you can't change it. It also makes is more difficult for you to support your spouse. He needs it. Remember, he is the one leaving his home and his family.

Being in the Anticipation of Loss phase is good and hard at the same time for me. On the one hand, I feel like I can actually be DOING things to prepare that are within my control. I'm reading books, making lists, getting papers in order, planning projects, etc. These are things i can control, and doing them makes the deployment feel less scary because I feel prepared (at least for now, as soon as he leaves I will feel unprepared and think of all the things I didn't do, and things will start to go wrong!). Some of the prep work is exciting. I have goals set for myself to learn to crochet, decorate the house, start jogging again. Knowing that I came out of the last deployment a stronger person, I'm excited for the opportunity for growth and development that most married people don't get.

The sad part is preparing myself emotionally. When James is gone for the day, the weekend for Drill, his 2 week trainings, I get the haunting, lonely feeling from the last deployment. There is a distinct emptiness about it. Everything just looks and feels "off." My mind is generally somewhere else, thinking what it would be like if he were there or what he's doing. Or, just dreading coming home to an empty house. (Having a dog REALLY helps if you don't have kids, by the way).  There are also familiar patterns that come back that I developed during the last deployment. I don't like to be out late, I sleep with the dogs, I have to fall asleep with a book, I leave lights on at night, Lean Cuisines fill the freezer, I resent that i get to watch all the shows James' hates, I try to keep myself busy with girlfriends, I drink too much wine and watch too much TV.  Each time I think "Remember this feeling; this is what it will be like. You can do this."

Then there is the preparing when James is here. Last night I was rubbing his back and feeling so sad because he would be far away soon without me to take care of him. No one will fix his favorite meals, rub his back, or know the inside jokes. I hated thinking about that. I have been trying hard to fix his those meals, take care of him, cuddle him longer, be kinder, appreciate him more, and tell him how much I will miss him. The fact that he is leaving is sinking in, and the more lists I make and tasks I accomplish in preparing, the more real it becomes. I can't help laying in his arms at night and thinking that I don't have much more of this. I try to take in every minute of it. Then reality sets in and I get too hot and he's snoring on my neck. I have to roll over. And then the obsessive planning starts in my head and I feel the need to get up and just make more lists!

Take my advice, don't put off your prep work to avoid this all being real. It is real. And your last weeks together will be spent stressed and scrambling to get everything done instead of spending time together - which is all you will want to do since you accepted the reality that he is leaving. It's okay to be scared and worried. You won't get everything done. Make the best of it, get the most out of your "stage" of this, whatever that may mean. All you can do is the best you can with what you have, in that moment. And sometimes the best you got may look pretty crappy. That's okay too. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway.

New Year's Resolution: Survive Deployment

How did I spend New Years Eve? By forgetting it was New Years Eve because we have so much going on in our lives. James and I sat together in front of the TV and watched Leverage. When he started watching Ax Men, which doesn't really interest me, I decided to read. I realized it was time to break out Surviving Deployment and start dealing with it. 

The holidays were a wonderful time of blissful denial and projects. Now that they are over, I have to face the facts: I don't have much time until James deploys and I need to prepare. 

As everyone is posting about celebrating the new year, along with their goals, hopes and dreams, I can't help feeling sad. My friends are saying that 2013 is going to be a great year and they are excited about what is in store. For me it's a bit different. I know that 2013 will be one of the hardest years of my life, since our last deployment in 2008 was one of the hardest years of my life. Our year starts with deployment preparations, from lists to the cycle of emotions, and then will move on to deployment, and most of my 2013 will be spent alone in my house with my 2 dogs and my husband far, far away. Our year may or may not end with a homecoming, we don't know yet.

So, I have one New Years Resolution: To grow through this deployment and come out on the other side a better, stronger person and have a stronger marriage.

Of course, doing that involves MULTIPLE sets of lists and goals, lots of prep, amazing friends and family, planning with my husband...and some wine, of course!

Reservation for One: Deployment as a Reservist's Wife

Hello! 
My name is Meghan, and this is my first blog so you will seriously have to bear with me as I try to make this better and more interesting. 

Here is why I have decided to start a blog:
My husband is in the Navy Reserves and is deploying in the Spring (due to confidentiality, I can't post details or dates). This is our second deployment, our first was 6 months after we got married. James was in Kuwait for 10 months. I was just 23 then and didn't know how to be on my own, I never had been. I hadn't been without James since we got together when I was 19. Long story short, when he left, my world fell apart and I spent the next year trying to learn how to survive on my own and face daily lift as what the military books call "a geographical bachelorette." The whole experience was incredibly challenging. So now, as we come up on our second deployment I feel much more prepared and have a different outlook. I know it will be incredibly challenging and test who I am as a person and our marriage. Life is never the same after deployment. So, this blog is twofold in it's purpose. 1. I want to keep a blog to document my journey through this time, what I go through and what I accomplish, including personal triumphs as well as projects I complete and so on. 2. I don't want other Reservists wife to experience what I went through the first deployment. I want to write my experiences so that other spouses have someone to feel connected to, so they can know that someone is going through the same thing. I want to offer what advice I can, and receive advice from others! Deployment sucks, and one of the best ways to make it suck a little less is to feel connected to others going through the same thing.

Reservation for One:
Being a Reservist's Wife is especially challenging. In the Reserves, we don't live on bases, we aren't surrounded by other military families, and some of us are even hours away from the nearest base or Reserve Center so Family Readiness Groups or support groups are not easy to get to. Many of us also don't deal with deployment regularly. For my husband and I, unless he volunteers, it's every 4 years and he is deployed for 10 months or even a year! And not dealing with deployment regularly means that we live most of our lives in a "normal" state with our spouses home, and the deployment is an incredible shock to our systems and daily lives! So, here we are, the wives left at home. No other military wife in sight who understands. And while we have amazing friends and co-workers who try to be supportive, the pain and loneliness is still foreign to them. Then, of course, there are the people who REALLY don't understand and say ridiculous and inappropriate things (I know we've all experienced that).

Well, screw all that. I'm ready to find new ways to deal with this!