I've been shown so much in the last year how I am not in control of my life, and how things can change in an instant. The problem I have is believing things are changing for the better. I wonder, does life care? Or does life just keep moving forward and it's my job to choose to join in and make the best of it?
I am usually an optimist, I used to believe that everything happens for a reason. But I don't know about that. Sometimes, things just happen, and we can look to find the good in it or try to change it, or not. I worked in a mental health facility for years, and many of my clients dealt with terrible traumas in their lives. They would often ask "why would God let this happen to me?" or "is this some part of a plan?" I began to think about al the pain and suffering in the world and wondering why it was all happening. After dealing with so many clients that faced terrible traumas in their life, I came to believe that bad things just happen, and often for no reason. Simply put, people make choices, and they and others have to deal with the consequences of those choices. Friends, family, a higher power - they are all their to grieve with
you and see you through it, and are sad for you when it happens. Life is hard, bad and good things happen, and we take what we can from it and move on.We can choose to take what we want from it, forgive and heal, and move forward. That is what gives the experiences in life meaning and purpose.
Spring is here, finally! And the seasons changing of course reminds me of change in life. The flowers are blooming, the grass is growing, there is change in the air. It's a time for healing and rebirth in nature after a harsh winter. Life is moving forward, and I can choose how I want to participate despite the set backs that I have faced in my life. The things that have happened in my life have made me stronger, and made me who I am.
My husband is still searching for new orders, and we are waiting to see where life is going to take us next. But I am done sitting around my house waiting on the military to decide my future. I am going to open up my windows, get out my spring clothes and pack away my sweaters, and embrace the process of change and growth, and painful and sucky as it can be. It can also be beautiful. This last deployment did not happen, so what new adventure is waiting for us next?
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Orders: Cancelled. How life can change in one phone call.
It's been a while since I've written. And that is because our lives have been totally turned upside-down by the military. I have been confused, angry, and processing a lot of information- and adjusting to life being so different than I thought it would be right now. Right now, my husband is supposed to be deployed. He isn't.
A year and a half ago, we were told a deployment was coming, but we didn't know when. We waited over a year for orders that we knew would change our lives. In December, orders came. I focused on the holidays, and then started in January, I started preparing for deployment, emotionally and logistically. I started this blog to document my journey through it all.
A month ago, we were ready. We had gone through all the steps. My husband was in leadership for the mission and having regular meetings. We had prepared ourselves emotionally and mentally, getting in the mind set for deployment. I threw a going-away party. Over a hundred people came. I took a week off work to spend with my husband before he left. My husband had taken a leave-of-absence from work and said his goodbyes.
9 days before my husband was supposed to deploy for almost a year, we were told his orders were being cancelled for medical reasons - reasons we were told were not an issue that there was a 95% chance the deployment would go on like normal. We spent 4 days trying to appeal this, with people fighting on his side.
5 days before deployment, my husband's orders were officially cancelled and he was told he could not deploy out of country for at least a year. Medical had his paperwork for over 3 months, and for some reason we don't understand made the decision 5 days before he was supposed to ship out.
For those of you new to the military, there you go. This can happen. With deployment, it is important to remember that until the mission is underway and your spouse is gone, everything is subject to change.
There are of course so many mixed emotions surrounding this. For us, this is a difficult situation. This deployment was important to us as a large part of our income and long-term goals. We had volunteered for this mission. This mission was also important to my husband's military career, especially with his leadership role in it and upcoming possibility of advancements. We had accepted the deployment's hardships, planned our lives and careers around the deployment, and were already emotionally disconnected from "normal" life. My husband had taken a leave-of-absence from work, taken time off school (with the GI Bill is also part of our income). Everything in our lives was built around this deployment. I was so angry that something like this could happen to us at the last minute. This has been especially difficult for my husband, who was devoted to and prepared for this mission. After getting the news, we sat in silence, stunned. We had planned a year of our lives around this, and it was just...gone.
But my husband is not gone. For now, he is home with me and I'm so grateful for that. We have spent the last couple weeks shell shocked, but he is home. I don't want any spouse with a deployed husband to think that I am not happy that my husband is home. Deployments are incredibly difficult, and despite the importance of this deployment in our long-term goals, I ultimately did not want it to happen and wished it didn't have to be this way. I love my husband so much and I am grateful that I get to wake up with him every day, and preparing for him leaving had me incredibly stressed at sad, I was dreading deployment as well as counting on it. I am so grateful to not be coming home to an empty house every night and waking up alone. But, I know that this is only temporary...maybe. Who knows anything anymore.
I am so frustrated that we went through all of this, and everything changed so quickly, at the last minute. It was especially difficult realizing that all of our deployment prep-work, all the hardships of goodbyes, were for nothing. That's the thing about the military, even in the Reserves. Life can change in an instant. Now, we have to make new plans and reorganize our lives. My husband has returned to work at his civilian job for now. We are moving on.
We are also playing the waiting game again, waiting for new orders. My husband may leave for several months to work on an air-craft carrier or on a base, in country. For now, I will go back into "waiting for orders" mode, and continue to research and write about deployment, and what I am going through now. We may only be waiting on orders for a few weeks, or a couple months. We do not know. I asked my husband if he can "stay on" anyone about this to make sure things are moving forward. There is apparently no "staying on" commanding officers.We have no idea what these new orders may be, how long my husband may be gone, or if he is even going. We could find out tomorrow that he is leaving next week!
At least we are together. I am still trying not to be angry. This is what it means to be a military family. We have to expect the unexpected and know that we can't count on much, except each other. My husband's command is doing their best to make sure that we are taken care of, and I am so grateful for that as well. They are in our corner and also angry and working to make sure we have what we need. My husband's job let him come back despite leave of absence and work on a week by week schedule, understand that he could leave on very short notice. Our friends and family have been incredibly supportive through all of this mess. It's time to move forward, make new plans, and see what life has in store for us now.
Everything can change in an instant. Be thankful for the moments you do have together. Understand that change is part of being in the military. Being in the military, serving like this, is a calling for the strongest people. Be flexible, and don't get stuck in a certain idea of what life is supposed to be. I've been shown in the last couple of weeks that life has much different plans, and I am ultimately not in control.
A year and a half ago, we were told a deployment was coming, but we didn't know when. We waited over a year for orders that we knew would change our lives. In December, orders came. I focused on the holidays, and then started in January, I started preparing for deployment, emotionally and logistically. I started this blog to document my journey through it all.
A month ago, we were ready. We had gone through all the steps. My husband was in leadership for the mission and having regular meetings. We had prepared ourselves emotionally and mentally, getting in the mind set for deployment. I threw a going-away party. Over a hundred people came. I took a week off work to spend with my husband before he left. My husband had taken a leave-of-absence from work and said his goodbyes.
9 days before my husband was supposed to deploy for almost a year, we were told his orders were being cancelled for medical reasons - reasons we were told were not an issue that there was a 95% chance the deployment would go on like normal. We spent 4 days trying to appeal this, with people fighting on his side.
5 days before deployment, my husband's orders were officially cancelled and he was told he could not deploy out of country for at least a year. Medical had his paperwork for over 3 months, and for some reason we don't understand made the decision 5 days before he was supposed to ship out.
For those of you new to the military, there you go. This can happen. With deployment, it is important to remember that until the mission is underway and your spouse is gone, everything is subject to change.
There are of course so many mixed emotions surrounding this. For us, this is a difficult situation. This deployment was important to us as a large part of our income and long-term goals. We had volunteered for this mission. This mission was also important to my husband's military career, especially with his leadership role in it and upcoming possibility of advancements. We had accepted the deployment's hardships, planned our lives and careers around the deployment, and were already emotionally disconnected from "normal" life. My husband had taken a leave-of-absence from work, taken time off school (with the GI Bill is also part of our income). Everything in our lives was built around this deployment. I was so angry that something like this could happen to us at the last minute. This has been especially difficult for my husband, who was devoted to and prepared for this mission. After getting the news, we sat in silence, stunned. We had planned a year of our lives around this, and it was just...gone.
But my husband is not gone. For now, he is home with me and I'm so grateful for that. We have spent the last couple weeks shell shocked, but he is home. I don't want any spouse with a deployed husband to think that I am not happy that my husband is home. Deployments are incredibly difficult, and despite the importance of this deployment in our long-term goals, I ultimately did not want it to happen and wished it didn't have to be this way. I love my husband so much and I am grateful that I get to wake up with him every day, and preparing for him leaving had me incredibly stressed at sad, I was dreading deployment as well as counting on it. I am so grateful to not be coming home to an empty house every night and waking up alone. But, I know that this is only temporary...maybe. Who knows anything anymore.
I am so frustrated that we went through all of this, and everything changed so quickly, at the last minute. It was especially difficult realizing that all of our deployment prep-work, all the hardships of goodbyes, were for nothing. That's the thing about the military, even in the Reserves. Life can change in an instant. Now, we have to make new plans and reorganize our lives. My husband has returned to work at his civilian job for now. We are moving on.
We are also playing the waiting game again, waiting for new orders. My husband may leave for several months to work on an air-craft carrier or on a base, in country. For now, I will go back into "waiting for orders" mode, and continue to research and write about deployment, and what I am going through now. We may only be waiting on orders for a few weeks, or a couple months. We do not know. I asked my husband if he can "stay on" anyone about this to make sure things are moving forward. There is apparently no "staying on" commanding officers.We have no idea what these new orders may be, how long my husband may be gone, or if he is even going. We could find out tomorrow that he is leaving next week!
At least we are together. I am still trying not to be angry. This is what it means to be a military family. We have to expect the unexpected and know that we can't count on much, except each other. My husband's command is doing their best to make sure that we are taken care of, and I am so grateful for that as well. They are in our corner and also angry and working to make sure we have what we need. My husband's job let him come back despite leave of absence and work on a week by week schedule, understand that he could leave on very short notice. Our friends and family have been incredibly supportive through all of this mess. It's time to move forward, make new plans, and see what life has in store for us now.
Everything can change in an instant. Be thankful for the moments you do have together. Understand that change is part of being in the military. Being in the military, serving like this, is a calling for the strongest people. Be flexible, and don't get stuck in a certain idea of what life is supposed to be. I've been shown in the last couple of weeks that life has much different plans, and I am ultimately not in control.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Pictures: Navy Deployment Going Away Party
Before my husband's deployment, I decided to throw him a big party. I didn't throw any parties for our last deployment, so this time I wanted to give him a big send-off. I rented out the American Legion and had them cater (the Legion gave me a WAY discounted rate even though we aren't members, so it's worth looking into if you are planning a military event). It was a fabulous evening. We had at least 100 guests, as well as a DJ (a Vet who is friends with my MIL volunteered), and several friends and family come from out of town!
I found mason jars, glass stones, and votive candles at the dollar store!
We served hot wings, mac & cheese, beans, and corn muffins.
Our lovely cakes were provided by a family friend who is good friends with a baker.
The color theme was blue & gold (for Navy). With the log cabin atmosphere, I decorated with homey/country touches, lots of mason jars and votive candles and paper lanterns. The star above is the balloon anchor for our balloon bouquets. Also streamers, ribbons and balloons from Party City
The cakes were amazing!! We were so happy! I didn't see them until they arrived at the party.
I made Sparkling Strawberry Punch with a recipe I found on Pinterest (recipe at the end). It was a big hit!
Paper lanterns from Party City. $4 for a package of 3
It was a very nice Legion, log cabin with a second story in the hall!
My husband and I. He knew the party was happening, but wasn't allowed to the hall until it was time for the party, so he didn't see it decorated or any of the food, cakes, etc! He was so surprised!
Our good friend from out of state came in to surprise my husband. This is when my husband walked in and saw him
We wrapped the pool tables in table runners for the food, then later in the evening took them off for pool. This is how the Legion usually does their catering.
The wings were "naked" with all the sauces on the side so guests could have more options.
Our hall at the Legion had a second story with more tables, which was amazing because we filled up the first floor!
At the side, I set up this special table. I had blank stationary set out and a white memory box from Hobby Lobby. Guests wrote cards for my husband and put them in the box. I will include the cards in mail and care packages that I send throughout the deployment so he is always getting mail from loved ones. Guests liked this a lot! I also had crayons and paper for the kids to draw pictures, make cards for my husband, or make cards for the troops. I also had a notebook sitting out for guests to write their email address so I can get them my husband's mailing address during deployment.
I placed signs with instructions for guests at each "station" on the table. The signs are printed on scrap book paper and displayed in frames from the dollar store. Each sign was only $1.15 and I can reuse the frames!
Table runners from GFS, large packs of votive candles from Hobby Lobby. It was cold and snowy out, so I wanted the tables to be comfortable and inviting.
The party came together very nicely! We had access to the Legion's bar as well, and pool tables later in the evening. Guests began arriving at 7pm and were there until close at 3am! I was so happy with the turn out. I also had amazing help! Friends and family helped put things together and help decorate. I'm telling you, let people help if they want to! I actually did very little decorating. I was stressing out and just let those who were there to help take over while I made sure all the details were coming together.
The best part was, I was able to just relax and enjoy the party. I tried not to stress about anything once the party was in full swing, and just visited with guests and had fun! That was not as easy as it sounds. My husband was surprised and happy and people showed up to support him, and that was all that really mattered to me.
Sparkling Strawberry Punch Recipe
I tripled the recipe and it wasn't enough for 100 people, it was a huge hit! I didn't add the Kool Aid, but that's because I lost it right before the party. It turned out fine :) I also searched everywhere for non-alcoholic frozen strawberry daiquiri mix and couldn't find the kind that you are supposed to freeze, just the kind you add crushed ice to. I used that and it also worked great. At the end of the night, the pitchers were had nothing but a bunch of strawberries left (the punch was so good, people were scooping out just the strawberries!), so I had the caterers add the rest of their lemonade to the strawberries. Also, I couldn't find strawberry water, so I used strawberry kiwi flavored.
Table runners from GFS, large packs of votive candles from Hobby Lobby. It was cold and snowy out, so I wanted the tables to be comfortable and inviting.
The party came together very nicely! We had access to the Legion's bar as well, and pool tables later in the evening. Guests began arriving at 7pm and were there until close at 3am! I was so happy with the turn out. I also had amazing help! Friends and family helped put things together and help decorate. I'm telling you, let people help if they want to! I actually did very little decorating. I was stressing out and just let those who were there to help take over while I made sure all the details were coming together.
The best part was, I was able to just relax and enjoy the party. I tried not to stress about anything once the party was in full swing, and just visited with guests and had fun! That was not as easy as it sounds. My husband was surprised and happy and people showed up to support him, and that was all that really mattered to me.
Sparkling Strawberry Punch Recipe
I tripled the recipe and it wasn't enough for 100 people, it was a huge hit! I didn't add the Kool Aid, but that's because I lost it right before the party. It turned out fine :) I also searched everywhere for non-alcoholic frozen strawberry daiquiri mix and couldn't find the kind that you are supposed to freeze, just the kind you add crushed ice to. I used that and it also worked great. At the end of the night, the pitchers were had nothing but a bunch of strawberries left (the punch was so good, people were scooping out just the strawberries!), so I had the caterers add the rest of their lemonade to the strawberries. Also, I couldn't find strawberry water, so I used strawberry kiwi flavored.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
6 Things I Wish I Had Known Before Deployment
With deployment comes a lot of experience and knowledge. There are some things you simply don't know or wouldn't think of until your first deployment. Each deployment is different, too, so you will learn new things all the time! Here's some things I wish I had known:
- Custom forms suck. These are the forms you have to fill out if you are going to mail your Sailor/Soldier care packages. You have to list every item by weight, write all the information in the right places, and press hard enough to make it through 4 receipts. It's also best to fill these out before you tape up the package, before you get to the post office. If you include a copy of the receipt in the package, your soldier can hold on to them and you may be able to get reimbursed for shipping. Just keep a stack at home, you will always want a back-up in case you mess up the one you are filling out..
- The military can change/cancel/alter orders at the last minute. The saying is "you don't know where you are going until you get there, or when you will be back until you get home." It's important to remember to be flexible. Flight times, orders, location, coming home dates, the mission, they are all subject to change at any time. This is incredibly frustrating, I know. It's just part of it, and if you know it can happen it's easier to roll with the punches. My husband always says "orders are written in Jell-o."
- Send toilet paper. The really good kind. The soldiers in the desert are using 1 ply on the giant rolls. My husband says that just one roll (since that's all they have room for in their racks) of nice, non-sandpaper toilet paper is a hot commodity in the desert. It's the little luxuries that matter.
- Don't send care packages that will embarrass your spouse. It may be fun to decorate the box all girlie and fill it with glitter, but don't. Your spouse will be opening this in front of other people (or it may be opened for him). You want your care packages to be fun and practical and show your love, not fill your husband's tiny living space with perfume and glitter and streamers. Believe me, guys make fun of each other relentlessly. If you are sending something for your spouse's eyes only, label it that way. Then he can make sure not to open it with everyone else around.
- Mail does not arrive in order. Number your letters and packages. For some reason, mail has to travel through an alternate universe before it can reach it's destination over seas. You or your spouse may receive letter #20 before letter #2. Mail often gets damaged, torn, or lost and the fact that it takes so long makes no sense to me. Number everything you send. Also, be careful what you write. Don't write about a situation you need help with, because by the time your spouse gets the letter, it will be over and they will be very confused!
- Deployment is hard, but you will be okay. Keep an open mind and an open heart. Remember that you are strong and capable and you can get through this. Use your resources!!
Monday, March 18, 2013
You know you are a (Navy) Reservist's Wife...
You know you're a Navy Reservist's Wife when...
- You've never gotten to perfect the art of unbuttoning the buttons on his Dress Blues because you only see him wear them once a year...if that.
- You are used to explaining to people that Navy Reservists don't have to be near an ocean.
- When you aren't with your husband, people you rarely see assume he's deployed, when he's actually just at work.
- People ask you if your husband is a Navy Seal.
- You've had to actually explain to people that your husband doesn't know anyone from Seal Team 6.
- You feel like, unless there's a deployment happening, you have to tell people that you are a real military wife.
- You're used to your husband only shaving his beard once a month.
- The main reason to get your military ID out is for discounts because you are rarely on a base.
- People have no idea what your husband does in the Navy Reserves (especially in a land-locked state), and you aren't totally sure sometimes either.
- You thought it would be fun to go with your husband to drill, then you realized you had nothing do and sat in a hotel for the weekend while he worked and you were the only spouse there.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Our deployment photo session: PICTURES!
Some of our best friends gifted us with a photo session with their wedding photographer. We don't have any recent pictures of my husband in his dress uniforms, and none of us together in them! With my husband deploying soon, this seemed like a great time to finally get some picture taken! Our photographer Jim Meyer did a fabulous job!! Meyer Photography
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Going Away Party and Family Visits
It has been a whirlwind of a weekend! It's "that time" in pre-deployment. The time when family and friends come to visit to say goodbye, time for the going away party, time for doing all the last minute prep work, and coming up on my week off work before my husband leaves.
We had an amazing and busy weekend! On Thursday my husband's father came into town to spend a few days, and on Friday afternoon my husband's two sisters, two nieces, and nephew came to visit. Everyone stayed with us and we spent the weekend hanging out and playing with the kids. On Friday night, my husband's brother came over - it was first time in years my husband and all his siblings and father have been in the same room at the same time.
My husband's sisters and nieces and nephew left Saturday afternoon around 2pm. I took a quick rest, then got up to get ready for his going away party. The party was at the American Legion, and our Legion here in town is a beautiful log cabin with 2 stories, pool tables, and a wooden bar. The staff there was amazing, and I got a fantastic price for catering and the space because they were happy to support a fellow service member. We served hot wings, beans, macaroni and cheese, and corn muffins - everything was delicious! A few of my best friends and my husband's mother were there to help decorate and made the place look amazing. A close family friend provided delicious cakes that were decorated with an anchor and the Navy's seal and my Mother in Law provided us with a wonderful and very sweet DJ who was a Veteran and wanted to support us. My best friend who is a photographer took all the photos for the evening. I was completely overwhelmed by all the help and support.
One of my husband's close friends from Arizona came in to surprise him (as well as provide so much help!), as well as friends from Tennessee, and other friends we haven't seen in years! We had an amazing turn out, well around 100 people. Guests started showing up at 7pm when the party was started, and we had a steady flow of people coming and going until 10pm. The party went until 2am (3am with daylight savings time)! We had at least 30 people from my husband's work, they are very tight-nit and like family. All of my husband's in-state family was there, as well as our off-roading friends, college friends, and high school friends we haven't seen in forever. I was so happy with the turn-out! My husband wasn't allowed at the Legion until everything was decorated and guests were arriving, He knew the party was happening, but he didn't know much of the details so much of it was a surprise. Our guests were all amazing and supportive, and I was told my so many different people to call them if we (or I) need anything while my husband is away. I keep saying we were overwhelmed by all the support and kindness and love, but there is really no other word for it. We are so blessed to have so many amazing people in our lives.
In all my anxiety over the party, I tried to focus on relaxing and just being with our guests. Hopefully I was able to greet everyone there, but I'm sure there's people I missed or who didn't get to visit with very long. It occurred to me that while I was working on getting all the final details in order and making sure we had enough food for all our house and party guests, my husband was dealing with the fact that he was saying "goodbye." It's so easy to get caught up in all the pre-deployment arrangements and planning and to forget what this is all about, what is actually happening. Now it's time to really spend time with each other and our loved ones.
Thank you so much to everyone who came to the party, sent well wishes, helped out, and offered their love and support!
We had an amazing and busy weekend! On Thursday my husband's father came into town to spend a few days, and on Friday afternoon my husband's two sisters, two nieces, and nephew came to visit. Everyone stayed with us and we spent the weekend hanging out and playing with the kids. On Friday night, my husband's brother came over - it was first time in years my husband and all his siblings and father have been in the same room at the same time.
My husband's sisters and nieces and nephew left Saturday afternoon around 2pm. I took a quick rest, then got up to get ready for his going away party. The party was at the American Legion, and our Legion here in town is a beautiful log cabin with 2 stories, pool tables, and a wooden bar. The staff there was amazing, and I got a fantastic price for catering and the space because they were happy to support a fellow service member. We served hot wings, beans, macaroni and cheese, and corn muffins - everything was delicious! A few of my best friends and my husband's mother were there to help decorate and made the place look amazing. A close family friend provided delicious cakes that were decorated with an anchor and the Navy's seal and my Mother in Law provided us with a wonderful and very sweet DJ who was a Veteran and wanted to support us. My best friend who is a photographer took all the photos for the evening. I was completely overwhelmed by all the help and support.
One of my husband's close friends from Arizona came in to surprise him (as well as provide so much help!), as well as friends from Tennessee, and other friends we haven't seen in years! We had an amazing turn out, well around 100 people. Guests started showing up at 7pm when the party was started, and we had a steady flow of people coming and going until 10pm. The party went until 2am (3am with daylight savings time)! We had at least 30 people from my husband's work, they are very tight-nit and like family. All of my husband's in-state family was there, as well as our off-roading friends, college friends, and high school friends we haven't seen in forever. I was so happy with the turn-out! My husband wasn't allowed at the Legion until everything was decorated and guests were arriving, He knew the party was happening, but he didn't know much of the details so much of it was a surprise. Our guests were all amazing and supportive, and I was told my so many different people to call them if we (or I) need anything while my husband is away. I keep saying we were overwhelmed by all the support and kindness and love, but there is really no other word for it. We are so blessed to have so many amazing people in our lives.
In all my anxiety over the party, I tried to focus on relaxing and just being with our guests. Hopefully I was able to greet everyone there, but I'm sure there's people I missed or who didn't get to visit with very long. It occurred to me that while I was working on getting all the final details in order and making sure we had enough food for all our house and party guests, my husband was dealing with the fact that he was saying "goodbye." It's so easy to get caught up in all the pre-deployment arrangements and planning and to forget what this is all about, what is actually happening. Now it's time to really spend time with each other and our loved ones.
Thank you so much to everyone who came to the party, sent well wishes, helped out, and offered their love and support!
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Pre-Deployment Burn-Out
Deployment prep is winding down, all the arrangements have been made for the Going Away party, arrangements are made for family and friends to visit, and if I have to say the word "deployment" one more time, I think I'm going to punch someone.
If you anything like me, and deployment is getting close, you are probably feeling the same way. You just want to get on with it so it can get over. When you are alone in the house, you imagine your spouse is already gone, and it makes you sad but it's a little bit of a relief. The waiting, the planning, the heartache, the lists, the questions from other people, it all starts to wear on you. Being type-A, I've been throughough in my planning and prep work, and if I have to read one more thing on pre-deployment planning, I think I'm going to go crazy. Deployment prep has been consuming my thoughts and causing stress, anxiety, and sadness for several months now.
I don't know what this phase of deployment is called. I'm going to call it Pre-Deployment Burn-Out. I've been dealing with a lot of the normal things like denial, planning, emotional detachment, anxiety, and so on. But what about feeling guilty for wanting the deployment to just happen already? I seriously feel terrible just saying those words out loud, let alone posting them! But, it's the thing that nobody wants to say but that every military wife feels at some point.
The truth is, I don't want my husband to leave. Of course not. But, he's going to leave, and we've been talking about it and getting ready for it for months. It's going to hurt and be difficult, and it's a natural tendency to want to run away from pain, to rip of the Band-Aid quickly so it can be over.
So...what to do at this phase of Pre-Deployment Burn-Out?
If you anything like me, and deployment is getting close, you are probably feeling the same way. You just want to get on with it so it can get over. When you are alone in the house, you imagine your spouse is already gone, and it makes you sad but it's a little bit of a relief. The waiting, the planning, the heartache, the lists, the questions from other people, it all starts to wear on you. Being type-A, I've been throughough in my planning and prep work, and if I have to read one more thing on pre-deployment planning, I think I'm going to go crazy. Deployment prep has been consuming my thoughts and causing stress, anxiety, and sadness for several months now.
I don't know what this phase of deployment is called. I'm going to call it Pre-Deployment Burn-Out. I've been dealing with a lot of the normal things like denial, planning, emotional detachment, anxiety, and so on. But what about feeling guilty for wanting the deployment to just happen already? I seriously feel terrible just saying those words out loud, let alone posting them! But, it's the thing that nobody wants to say but that every military wife feels at some point.
The truth is, I don't want my husband to leave. Of course not. But, he's going to leave, and we've been talking about it and getting ready for it for months. It's going to hurt and be difficult, and it's a natural tendency to want to run away from pain, to rip of the Band-Aid quickly so it can be over.
So...what to do at this phase of Pre-Deployment Burn-Out?
- Take a break from your lists. Yes, it's important to have all your important affairs in order, but if there are little things that can wait, let them wait. If you haven't cleaned out behind the fridge for 3 years, another year won't hurt. The world isn't going to fall apart if you can't cross of every little project on your list. As long as the big things are in order, let go of the small things that won't affect anything if it's not done.
- If you aren't burnt-out yet or getting close to departure dates yet, set your deadlines for your lists for 2-3 weeks before your spouse's departure date. That way, the last couple weeks won't be spent burnt out AND still trying to get big things done AND dealing with the fact that your spouse leave in a matter of days. Plan family visits and going away parties for no sooner than 2 weeks before deployment so you aren't focused on being a hostess when you want to be focused on your spouse.
- Reassure each other that the reason you want to get on with deployment is because you love each other and it will be difficult when you actually have to say goodbye. You both know that the sooner your spouse leaves, the sooner he or she can be home. Don't beat yourself up with guilt for these feelings.
- Stop Focusing On Deployment. Tell your friends that you want to relax and have fun and not think about your spouse leaving, though you appreciate their questions and concern. When I'm with my husband, my brain often goes to "soak it all in, he will leave soon" to prepare myself emotionally. And then I start crying, and then he gets sad too and tells me to stop, he's not gone yet. And, he's right. He's not gone yet, and getting sad at moments when you are trying to be happy and enjoy each other is a huge buzz kill. Push back the sadness for the moment, and be sad later, when you aren't trying to enjoy a nice dinner.
- Allow yourself moments of sadness to write in your journal, write letters you may or may not send to your spouse, and have your own private moment of grief. This will help keep you from melting down at the grocery store or at girls night.
- Enjoy Yourself. You have worked hard! You have done the work, and you will be okay. Have fun going on date nights, enjoy visits with your family that want to see your spouse. If you are throwing a going away party, have fun at it! Go get a pedicure, go on walks, read a book for fun (that has nothing to do with the military) watch bad TV, and try to let yourself relax.
- Enjoy Your Spouse. Instead of getting stuck in the sadness, love the fact that he is HERE. Have fun cooking his favorite meals, spend a little money at Victoria's Secret, take extra time to cuddle and watch your favorite movies, go out together, take a long weekend. Enjoy each other. Reaffirm you love and talk to each other.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Crunch Time!
Deployment is getting closer and things are starting to get busy! As much as I've done, I still feel like I have a million things to do! I'm realizing some things may not get done before my husband leaves, like the budget, since it's what I'm putting off.
This week is very busy. Tomorrow we have a photo shoot with my friend's wedding photographer! My best friend and her fiance gifted us a photo session because I had wanted to get pictures taken of James and I, with him in his Navy dress uniforms and me all dressed up. I've been using sunless tanner, whitening my teeth, and shopping for new outfits (etc.) for the photos. I'm really excited. The only pictures we have of my husband in his uniforms are from boot camp!
This weekend I'll be shopping for decorations and finishing up things for James' going away party next week. I've rented space at the American Legion and family and friends are helping with the cake and the DJ. It's being catered by the Legion and they will have bar tenders and a full bar for us. I'm so excited about it and I've put a lot of work into it. I was too much of a mess to throw a party last time, and fortunately my MIL thought to plan a great party for him!
Next weekend we have family and friends coming in from out of town to see James and attend the going away party. Some of them will be staying with us, which I love. Family and friends are also starting to call and make plans with us if they can't make it to the party. I'm thrilled with the turn out so far. And then there's the party!!
Fortunately, I didn't plan the party for right before he leaves so our last little bit of time together we can just relax with each other and our loved ones. The party and photo shoot will be over and my goal is to have all my other planning and our last little errands done. We still need to get the dogs to the vet, do our taxes, and get rid of the broken down car in the driveway. And, I'm sure there's still more...
How am I coping with all this? Sometimes I'm keeping busy, and sometimes I'm just too tired to think about it all. I haven't been sleeping well but I'm working with my counselor and Dr. on that. Insomnia always comes right along with stress and anxiety for me. To keep from being bummed about deployment, I'm trying to focus on having fun at our photo shoot and making my husband's going away party wonderful for him. I'll have time to be bummed out after that, and I'm sure that I will be. Don't get me wrong, I'm still feeling sad about it, I'm just trying to not get stuck there. For now, I need to focus on tasks, taking my time to feel and grieve things when I need to, and trying to remember to do my relaxation exercises, which I'm not remembering often. It's funny how hard it is to remember to relax and breathe when we need to do it most!
This week is very busy. Tomorrow we have a photo shoot with my friend's wedding photographer! My best friend and her fiance gifted us a photo session because I had wanted to get pictures taken of James and I, with him in his Navy dress uniforms and me all dressed up. I've been using sunless tanner, whitening my teeth, and shopping for new outfits (etc.) for the photos. I'm really excited. The only pictures we have of my husband in his uniforms are from boot camp!
This weekend I'll be shopping for decorations and finishing up things for James' going away party next week. I've rented space at the American Legion and family and friends are helping with the cake and the DJ. It's being catered by the Legion and they will have bar tenders and a full bar for us. I'm so excited about it and I've put a lot of work into it. I was too much of a mess to throw a party last time, and fortunately my MIL thought to plan a great party for him!
Next weekend we have family and friends coming in from out of town to see James and attend the going away party. Some of them will be staying with us, which I love. Family and friends are also starting to call and make plans with us if they can't make it to the party. I'm thrilled with the turn out so far. And then there's the party!!
Fortunately, I didn't plan the party for right before he leaves so our last little bit of time together we can just relax with each other and our loved ones. The party and photo shoot will be over and my goal is to have all my other planning and our last little errands done. We still need to get the dogs to the vet, do our taxes, and get rid of the broken down car in the driveway. And, I'm sure there's still more...
How am I coping with all this? Sometimes I'm keeping busy, and sometimes I'm just too tired to think about it all. I haven't been sleeping well but I'm working with my counselor and Dr. on that. Insomnia always comes right along with stress and anxiety for me. To keep from being bummed about deployment, I'm trying to focus on having fun at our photo shoot and making my husband's going away party wonderful for him. I'll have time to be bummed out after that, and I'm sure that I will be. Don't get me wrong, I'm still feeling sad about it, I'm just trying to not get stuck there. For now, I need to focus on tasks, taking my time to feel and grieve things when I need to, and trying to remember to do my relaxation exercises, which I'm not remembering often. It's funny how hard it is to remember to relax and breathe when we need to do it most!
Monday, February 25, 2013
20 Minutes of Grief
These last couple weeks have been busy and rough as we get closer to deployment. I've gone between not sleeping enough and being to tired during the day to do "what I need to do," busy crossing things off my lists while my husband works late, and trying to ignore things on my list while spending time with him when he's home.
I spend almost every night last week sleeping on the couch. I couldn't sleep from anxiety and it was easier to just lay downstairs so I could get up if I needed to without waking up James. Last week, I found out my best friend is moving away around the same time my husband deploys. I'm so happy for her and her family, but this was hard news to hear. It made me realize how much my friends and I had all grown up since the last deployment. Weddings, babies, moving away, new relationships. Last time, I faced deployment young and newly married with young, single friends. This time, we are all grown up. So much has happened in the lats four years. It's just another one of the ways that deployment will be different this time. I am far more capable than last time and won't need to so heavily lean on my friends just to get by like I did before. But I can't help but feel that others lives are moving on, while I'm just trying to get through the year. This is common for spouses at home surrounded by non-military families. It's hard to see others living their lives with their significant others and spouses, while you feel like you are stuck waiting for your life to move on after deployment.
Talking with my counselor, Gloria, was helpful. I was skeptical of being set-up with a counselor through MilitaryOneSource, but so far it's been a very good fit and productive. She encouraged me to grieve the losses I am feeling for set periods during the day. She told me to set aside 10, no more than 20 minutes, to just sit with my grief, and then move on. Gloria also told me that when my feelings start to come out at inconvenient times during the day (like at work), to remember that I have my time to sit and feel what I need to set aside for later in the day, and to put my feelings aside to deal with them later, but to be sure to honor that agreement with myself. I think this is helpful for dealing with deployment in general. During the day, missing your spouse can become overwhelming. It helps to know that I can have 10-15 minutes alone later in the day to sit and be sad, have a melt-down if I need to, read letters and look at pictures, and then move on. (It's important to not write letters you intend to send or emails during this time, make sure you are stable and in a good mood when you do that). This special time to allow yourself to feel and grieve will keep your feelings from controlling your day and make it easier to function.
This weekend was spent with my husband and my best friend. They are both still here now, and it's important to not get stuck in the sadness of what's coming so I don't miss out on the joy of them still being here. My friend and I had an amazing Girls' Night, staying up til 4:30am talking, drinking wine, and dying our hair. I tried to soak it all in and memorize her house before it starts to go into boxes. I realized how much her house felt like home. I spent much of the last deployment sleeping at her house, back before she was married and had 2 more kids. It will be strange to go through this deployment without her down the street. But I know this must be what be what we both need for our lives, and this will be an amazing adventure for her and her family. We have been through so much together, and we will go through this together - even if we are in different states. My husband and I cuddled and watched movies, and I insisted he run my errands with me so we could have that extra few hours. We spent time walking around Barnes & Noble, and I made a list of all the books he wanted so I can mail them to him later (after I buy them used online). It was a great weekend, because I spent it living in the moment and enjoying my time with two of the people I love most.
I spend almost every night last week sleeping on the couch. I couldn't sleep from anxiety and it was easier to just lay downstairs so I could get up if I needed to without waking up James. Last week, I found out my best friend is moving away around the same time my husband deploys. I'm so happy for her and her family, but this was hard news to hear. It made me realize how much my friends and I had all grown up since the last deployment. Weddings, babies, moving away, new relationships. Last time, I faced deployment young and newly married with young, single friends. This time, we are all grown up. So much has happened in the lats four years. It's just another one of the ways that deployment will be different this time. I am far more capable than last time and won't need to so heavily lean on my friends just to get by like I did before. But I can't help but feel that others lives are moving on, while I'm just trying to get through the year. This is common for spouses at home surrounded by non-military families. It's hard to see others living their lives with their significant others and spouses, while you feel like you are stuck waiting for your life to move on after deployment.
Talking with my counselor, Gloria, was helpful. I was skeptical of being set-up with a counselor through MilitaryOneSource, but so far it's been a very good fit and productive. She encouraged me to grieve the losses I am feeling for set periods during the day. She told me to set aside 10, no more than 20 minutes, to just sit with my grief, and then move on. Gloria also told me that when my feelings start to come out at inconvenient times during the day (like at work), to remember that I have my time to sit and feel what I need to set aside for later in the day, and to put my feelings aside to deal with them later, but to be sure to honor that agreement with myself. I think this is helpful for dealing with deployment in general. During the day, missing your spouse can become overwhelming. It helps to know that I can have 10-15 minutes alone later in the day to sit and be sad, have a melt-down if I need to, read letters and look at pictures, and then move on. (It's important to not write letters you intend to send or emails during this time, make sure you are stable and in a good mood when you do that). This special time to allow yourself to feel and grieve will keep your feelings from controlling your day and make it easier to function.
This weekend was spent with my husband and my best friend. They are both still here now, and it's important to not get stuck in the sadness of what's coming so I don't miss out on the joy of them still being here. My friend and I had an amazing Girls' Night, staying up til 4:30am talking, drinking wine, and dying our hair. I tried to soak it all in and memorize her house before it starts to go into boxes. I realized how much her house felt like home. I spent much of the last deployment sleeping at her house, back before she was married and had 2 more kids. It will be strange to go through this deployment without her down the street. But I know this must be what be what we both need for our lives, and this will be an amazing adventure for her and her family. We have been through so much together, and we will go through this together - even if we are in different states. My husband and I cuddled and watched movies, and I insisted he run my errands with me so we could have that extra few hours. We spent time walking around Barnes & Noble, and I made a list of all the books he wanted so I can mail them to him later (after I buy them used online). It was a great weekend, because I spent it living in the moment and enjoying my time with two of the people I love most.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
You Aren't Alone in the Reserves
As I've been preparing for deployment, I find myself feeling stuck between my "real" life and my "military" life. Our civilian lives are still going on as normal. My husband still goes to work and comes home, as do I. No one around me is dealing with deployment, or is even in the military. Much of the information out there for deployment is geared towards Active Duty, as well as the Facebook groups. I'm trying my best to prepare for deployment and use my resources, while also explaining to my friends and family what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and how I'm feeling.
Becoming this adept at deployment is difficult for Reservist's spouses. While Active Duty (full-time military) have more opportunities to adapt to deployment because it is often more frequent, Reservists often only deal with deployment every few years (if that), and deployments are generally 8 months to a year, if not longer, with limited communication and often no leave. My husband is a civilian, with a civilian job, and is home every evening. His role Navy Reserves is something that doesn't normally affect our lives daily. He has Drill one weekend a month, and goes away for training two weeks a year. Now that he's in leadership that's changing, but it's still not the focus. Other than that, we are a normal married couple. No bases, no military groups or talks, no Family Readiness Groups or Spouse Clubs, far away from a base, Commissary or Exchange, and not another Reservist around for miles. When deployment hits, especially during war time, it rocks our world. Everythingg changes. I am suddenly thrust into the role of Military Wife when Orders or rumors of Orders to deploy come around. There's ONE Family Day to talk about deployment. I have a pile of resources to look through myself, an no support group or community of spouses. Yes, I have an Ombudsman (Command contact person) who can provide direction and guidance, but she is also in another city.
When deployment doesn't come around often, and each deployment is different, it's difficult to adapt and feel prepared, and deployment is a major upheaval. If you are a Reservist wife, and anything like me, you probably find yourself feeling isolated, misunderstood, and worried. You are torn between wanting to support your husband like the other wives you see and hear about, and not really feeling like a "real" military wife. You try to prepare and see the opportunities in deployment, but ultimately you really don't want this to happen. It's so different, and isn't want you are used to. Don't worry, you are not alone. And you ARE a "real" military wife. You and your spouse aren't just "playing military" every now and then. Your feelings are legitimate.
Here's what you do have going for you:
You aren't alone. You can do this.
Becoming this adept at deployment is difficult for Reservist's spouses. While Active Duty (full-time military) have more opportunities to adapt to deployment because it is often more frequent, Reservists often only deal with deployment every few years (if that), and deployments are generally 8 months to a year, if not longer, with limited communication and often no leave. My husband is a civilian, with a civilian job, and is home every evening. His role Navy Reserves is something that doesn't normally affect our lives daily. He has Drill one weekend a month, and goes away for training two weeks a year. Now that he's in leadership that's changing, but it's still not the focus. Other than that, we are a normal married couple. No bases, no military groups or talks, no Family Readiness Groups or Spouse Clubs, far away from a base, Commissary or Exchange, and not another Reservist around for miles. When deployment hits, especially during war time, it rocks our world. Everythingg changes. I am suddenly thrust into the role of Military Wife when Orders or rumors of Orders to deploy come around. There's ONE Family Day to talk about deployment. I have a pile of resources to look through myself, an no support group or community of spouses. Yes, I have an Ombudsman (Command contact person) who can provide direction and guidance, but she is also in another city.
When deployment doesn't come around often, and each deployment is different, it's difficult to adapt and feel prepared, and deployment is a major upheaval. If you are a Reservist wife, and anything like me, you probably find yourself feeling isolated, misunderstood, and worried. You are torn between wanting to support your husband like the other wives you see and hear about, and not really feeling like a "real" military wife. You try to prepare and see the opportunities in deployment, but ultimately you really don't want this to happen. It's so different, and isn't want you are used to. Don't worry, you are not alone. And you ARE a "real" military wife. You and your spouse aren't just "playing military" every now and then. Your feelings are legitimate.
Here's what you do have going for you:
- Most of the time, this stuff isn't an issue. Deployments will come and go, and your life will go back to normal. You just have to get through this right now.
- Most of the time, your husband comes home every night, isn't in danger daily, and you have a civilian life.
- You can live where you want. The military doesn't tell you to move. Active Duty families have to face changing support networks and leaving friends and family all the time. Chances are, the ones who are with you through this deployment, will be with you through the next one. You may not have a built-in military support network, but you do have your own support network and you don't have to move away from them.
- There are resources, you just have to find them. Go to the Family Day (and pay attention!), communicate with your Ombudsman, and do your research. The support and the military resources are waiting for you.
- Deployment is an opportunity for growth. It can be good, you can benefit from it. You just don't have to do it all the time and you have a bit more control over when and how often.
- You get to grow and change the way other civilians don't. This is not a normal life or situation, and many spouses don't spend a lot of time away from each other and have opportunities to grow as individuals. Change your perspective and focus on growth that your married civilian friends don't get to have. Unfortunately, some of that growth comes from overcoming struggle and pain. That's okay. Growth is not always comfortable or easy.
You aren't alone. You can do this.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Being Present in the Midst of Craziness
This has been a difficult week for me. In this stage of pre-deployment. Every week seems to offer new challenges, new things to do, and things I didn't even think of. Most days are normal, but some days just hit me out of nowhere.
When my husband and I were going to bed Tuesday night, I was feeling sad and restless. I had been working on compiling every phone number I could think of for my emergency phone list for over and hour and had finally gotten it done. I thought it would put my mind at ease a little, but I was going over my to-do list thinking of what to do next. We had fallen asleep on the couch, and when we got to bed, as usual, my mind started going. My husband was trying to be sweet and cuddle with me and rub my back, but it honestly just made my stress level worse. I wanted to break down and cry, but it was 1AM and I did not feel like dealing with all that then. So, I just got up and went down stairs to watch Golden Girls, which has become my routine at least once a week when I can't sleep. I didn't fall asleep until about 4am, after I finally told myself that I could just sleep on the couch. It got easier throughout the week, but it was difficult when my husband was being sweet and caring because it reminded me he is leaving. I wanted to push away to avoid the sadness.
This is a normal thing for military spouses to be going through when deployment starts to get close, it's called "emotional detachment." It is what soldiers and sailors are trained to do before deployment to make the separation easier and to get themselves into what I call "the military mode." Spouses emotionally detach as well, it is a normal coping mechanism. You may find yourself pulling away from your spouse or picking fights, stress levels may increase, and after all the prep-work for deployment, you are just ready to get on with it. You know it's going to suck and you just want it to happen so you can move on. The deploying spouse may start to seem emotionally distant, irritable, less affectionate. This part is very difficult, since right before deployment is a time when you want everything to be magical. Every moment seems precious and you just want to be close and enjoy every second of it. The emotional detachment can seem disappointing, and the expectation for you to be close makes it worse. You may begin to resent your spouse if they are emotionally detaching and you aren't, because you just want your last few weeks together to be special. You being to get stressed and run around trying to do last minute things, and end up just ready for them to leave. Not how they show it in the movies, huh?
My stress level and anxiety are increasing, which is causing this detachment for me. Honestly, I was a bit surprised that the desire to pull away hit my first this time. Last deployment (our first one) I was a wreck and just clinging to my husband for dear life it seems. During this deployment prep, I've been trying to "do everything right" to keep from "falling apart." I feel like I have something to prove to myself, that this time it's going to be different. I've become so focused on the future, my husband leaving, how hard it will be, what I will do to take care of myself, and so on, that I'm stuck in my head worrying and planning and finding it difficult to relax and be present.
At leas this is what my counselor, Gloria, told me yesterday when I was talking to her about all of this. I've come to think that my lists and my planning are what will save me and keep me sane, so letting go, breathing, and being present makes me nervous. "What if I forget something? I have so much to do! I don't really want to feel what's happening because it sucks! I need to be prepared! What if? What if? What if?" This worrying is taking away time with my friends, my life, and my husband.
Guess what I just learned? Being present and relaxing is the most important part of deployment prep and deployment. And the hardest.
The things I've been doing to relax also seem to involve detachment. Watching Golden Girls for hours when I can't sleep and drinking Sleepytime tea are helpful and tools I can use, but they are outside sources to relax me, and provide an escape by making me tired and allowing me to enter the world in the TV. Yesterday in my session, Gloria led me through a relaxation exercise that was honestly difficult. It involved sitting still, breathing deeply, and focusing on relaxing each part of my body and letting go of stress and not thinking. It seems so simple, but it was difficult. Afterwards, I did feel more present and relaxed. She said that when I am relaxed and present, I am actually more in tune with my surroundings, better able to focus, more in tune with others, and my anxiety is under control. I believe that I'm in control, but my anxiety is controlling me at times. She said, while all my planning is important, I need to be able to get it go and be here now. This will help me be less worried about the future and not detach from my husband. It will also make feeling my emotions easier, instead of letting all my emotions and worries get bigger and bigger in my head, I will be able to relax, feel something, and move on. I am supposed to do this relaxation exercise for 8-10 minutes twice a day. I did it last night before bed, and it helped.
My mind does keep wandering when I try to relax, and I find myself having to bring myself back to my relaxation exercise at least 20 times in the 10 minutes I do it. Gloria encouraged me that this will take time, relaxation is a learned skill, and turning my mind off is something I need to practice daily and it will get easier. Right now, the idea of doing relaxation exercises stresses me out! But, I'm going to counseling for a reason, and that reason is stress and anxiety during deployment, so I might as well listen to Gloria and use the tools I went there to get from her. After all, what I want is to be present, relaxed, and not stressed. I want to sleep, I want to enjoy this time with my husband, I want to not be making lists in my head all the time. So, if relaxing and breathing is what it takes, it's worth a shot! I need to take care of myself, and this seems worth it.
Relaxation Tools:
55 Gentle Ways to Take Care of Yourself
Body Scan Relaxation
Yoga for Anxiety and Depression (I just ordered this)
Partner with a MilitaryOneSource Health & Wellness Coach
MilitaryOneSource Counseling Options
When my husband and I were going to bed Tuesday night, I was feeling sad and restless. I had been working on compiling every phone number I could think of for my emergency phone list for over and hour and had finally gotten it done. I thought it would put my mind at ease a little, but I was going over my to-do list thinking of what to do next. We had fallen asleep on the couch, and when we got to bed, as usual, my mind started going. My husband was trying to be sweet and cuddle with me and rub my back, but it honestly just made my stress level worse. I wanted to break down and cry, but it was 1AM and I did not feel like dealing with all that then. So, I just got up and went down stairs to watch Golden Girls, which has become my routine at least once a week when I can't sleep. I didn't fall asleep until about 4am, after I finally told myself that I could just sleep on the couch. It got easier throughout the week, but it was difficult when my husband was being sweet and caring because it reminded me he is leaving. I wanted to push away to avoid the sadness.
This is a normal thing for military spouses to be going through when deployment starts to get close, it's called "emotional detachment." It is what soldiers and sailors are trained to do before deployment to make the separation easier and to get themselves into what I call "the military mode." Spouses emotionally detach as well, it is a normal coping mechanism. You may find yourself pulling away from your spouse or picking fights, stress levels may increase, and after all the prep-work for deployment, you are just ready to get on with it. You know it's going to suck and you just want it to happen so you can move on. The deploying spouse may start to seem emotionally distant, irritable, less affectionate. This part is very difficult, since right before deployment is a time when you want everything to be magical. Every moment seems precious and you just want to be close and enjoy every second of it. The emotional detachment can seem disappointing, and the expectation for you to be close makes it worse. You may begin to resent your spouse if they are emotionally detaching and you aren't, because you just want your last few weeks together to be special. You being to get stressed and run around trying to do last minute things, and end up just ready for them to leave. Not how they show it in the movies, huh?
My stress level and anxiety are increasing, which is causing this detachment for me. Honestly, I was a bit surprised that the desire to pull away hit my first this time. Last deployment (our first one) I was a wreck and just clinging to my husband for dear life it seems. During this deployment prep, I've been trying to "do everything right" to keep from "falling apart." I feel like I have something to prove to myself, that this time it's going to be different. I've become so focused on the future, my husband leaving, how hard it will be, what I will do to take care of myself, and so on, that I'm stuck in my head worrying and planning and finding it difficult to relax and be present.
At leas this is what my counselor, Gloria, told me yesterday when I was talking to her about all of this. I've come to think that my lists and my planning are what will save me and keep me sane, so letting go, breathing, and being present makes me nervous. "What if I forget something? I have so much to do! I don't really want to feel what's happening because it sucks! I need to be prepared! What if? What if? What if?" This worrying is taking away time with my friends, my life, and my husband.
Guess what I just learned? Being present and relaxing is the most important part of deployment prep and deployment. And the hardest.
The things I've been doing to relax also seem to involve detachment. Watching Golden Girls for hours when I can't sleep and drinking Sleepytime tea are helpful and tools I can use, but they are outside sources to relax me, and provide an escape by making me tired and allowing me to enter the world in the TV. Yesterday in my session, Gloria led me through a relaxation exercise that was honestly difficult. It involved sitting still, breathing deeply, and focusing on relaxing each part of my body and letting go of stress and not thinking. It seems so simple, but it was difficult. Afterwards, I did feel more present and relaxed. She said that when I am relaxed and present, I am actually more in tune with my surroundings, better able to focus, more in tune with others, and my anxiety is under control. I believe that I'm in control, but my anxiety is controlling me at times. She said, while all my planning is important, I need to be able to get it go and be here now. This will help me be less worried about the future and not detach from my husband. It will also make feeling my emotions easier, instead of letting all my emotions and worries get bigger and bigger in my head, I will be able to relax, feel something, and move on. I am supposed to do this relaxation exercise for 8-10 minutes twice a day. I did it last night before bed, and it helped.
My mind does keep wandering when I try to relax, and I find myself having to bring myself back to my relaxation exercise at least 20 times in the 10 minutes I do it. Gloria encouraged me that this will take time, relaxation is a learned skill, and turning my mind off is something I need to practice daily and it will get easier. Right now, the idea of doing relaxation exercises stresses me out! But, I'm going to counseling for a reason, and that reason is stress and anxiety during deployment, so I might as well listen to Gloria and use the tools I went there to get from her. After all, what I want is to be present, relaxed, and not stressed. I want to sleep, I want to enjoy this time with my husband, I want to not be making lists in my head all the time. So, if relaxing and breathing is what it takes, it's worth a shot! I need to take care of myself, and this seems worth it.
Relaxation Tools:
55 Gentle Ways to Take Care of Yourself
Body Scan Relaxation
Yoga for Anxiety and Depression (I just ordered this)
Partner with a MilitaryOneSource Health & Wellness Coach
MilitaryOneSource Counseling Options
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
A Letter To My Younger Pre-Deployment Self
As I get ready for our second deployment, it's difficult to stop comparing it to the first. I'm doing everything differently this time. My attitude is different, I'm doing my research and planning, I'm reaching out to others. Every deployment is different. I just read a blog post another military wife wrote to her younger self, and it inspired me so much. There's so many things I would like to say to the younger, newly married Meghan, about to go through deployment for the first time. So, I decided to write a letter to that twenty-three year old, terrified Meghan, because a lot of those things I need to hear now, too.
Meghan,
I know you are scared and you don't understand why this is happening or what it will mean for you, your life, and your marriage. You never planned for this to happen, and the recruiter promised you that your husband would never deploy, he would sit in an office. You are angry and feel betrayed by your husband and the country. That's okay to feel, but don't get stuck there. Don't let the anger and fear hinder you, work through it and be motivated.
You probably won't believe me, but you will be okay. Life does not care about your plans, and life generally has better plans for you. This experience will make you a stronger person than you ever realized you could be. You will be tested and challenged, and you will come out okay on the other side.
Be prepared. Make your lists and do your planning. Just because you don't do the planning, that doesn't make the planning go away. You will feel more relaxed and more capable if you have as much as you can in order before James leaves. I know it's hard and you don't want to think about the things that could go wrong during deployment, but you need to. Don't just stay focused on the "goodbye" and how much you are dreading it, think about the things you need to do to take care of yourself and your husband while he is away. Oh, and pay the rent and bills on time.
Your husband is not around to take care of you, so you have to find the strength to take care of things like bills, groceries, housework, and the car even when you don't feel like you can. Learn how to do these things before he leaves, and believe that you can and you are capable. Ask for help. You have to be the grown-up now, and you can do this.
When things start to get bad, listen to your friends. They can see things that you can't. Don't write off their advice because "they don't get it" or because you are trying to be strong, or trying to just avoid things. Your friends are there, they are trying, they care about you and they love you.
Let yourself break down and cry and have bad days, then pick yourself up keep yourself from melting down at inappropriate times and you can't get yourself back together after, then it's time to talk to a counselor about what you need. Just do it. No, I mean it. Stop making excuses.
Believe in yourself, because I believe in you. Although you don't feel it now, you are strong and capable, even more so than you realize. Believe that you can get through the day. Trust your instincts, follow what you feel you need, and believe in your emotions.
Meghan, I know you may not believe me, but I'm excited for you. You don't even know how much you will grow and change in positive ways through this deployment. You have so much ahead of you and so many opportunities to become who you really are. Get what you can out of this, do the best you can with what you have in that moment. You will be amazed at the person you have become at the end of this.
Love,
Meghan
Meghan,
I know you are scared and you don't understand why this is happening or what it will mean for you, your life, and your marriage. You never planned for this to happen, and the recruiter promised you that your husband would never deploy, he would sit in an office. You are angry and feel betrayed by your husband and the country. That's okay to feel, but don't get stuck there. Don't let the anger and fear hinder you, work through it and be motivated.
You probably won't believe me, but you will be okay. Life does not care about your plans, and life generally has better plans for you. This experience will make you a stronger person than you ever realized you could be. You will be tested and challenged, and you will come out okay on the other side.
Be prepared. Make your lists and do your planning. Just because you don't do the planning, that doesn't make the planning go away. You will feel more relaxed and more capable if you have as much as you can in order before James leaves. I know it's hard and you don't want to think about the things that could go wrong during deployment, but you need to. Don't just stay focused on the "goodbye" and how much you are dreading it, think about the things you need to do to take care of yourself and your husband while he is away. Oh, and pay the rent and bills on time.
Your husband is not around to take care of you, so you have to find the strength to take care of things like bills, groceries, housework, and the car even when you don't feel like you can. Learn how to do these things before he leaves, and believe that you can and you are capable. Ask for help. You have to be the grown-up now, and you can do this.
When things start to get bad, listen to your friends. They can see things that you can't. Don't write off their advice because "they don't get it" or because you are trying to be strong, or trying to just avoid things. Your friends are there, they are trying, they care about you and they love you.
Let yourself break down and cry and have bad days, then pick yourself up keep yourself from melting down at inappropriate times and you can't get yourself back together after, then it's time to talk to a counselor about what you need. Just do it. No, I mean it. Stop making excuses.
Believe in yourself, because I believe in you. Although you don't feel it now, you are strong and capable, even more so than you realize. Believe that you can get through the day. Trust your instincts, follow what you feel you need, and believe in your emotions.
Meghan, I know you may not believe me, but I'm excited for you. You don't even know how much you will grow and change in positive ways through this deployment. You have so much ahead of you and so many opportunities to become who you really are. Get what you can out of this, do the best you can with what you have in that moment. You will be amazed at the person you have become at the end of this.
Love,
Meghan
Monday, February 11, 2013
Where I Am Now: Calendars and Monkey Bread
It's getting closer to deployment every day, increasing my stress and anxiety levels just a little, and making me a bundle of emotions. My thoughts range from "I have so much to do" to "I don't want him to leave" to "I can't wait until this deployment is finally happening." Random songs make me sad. I don't even like Maroon 5, but I started tearing up on the way to work when I listened to their "Morning Light" song.
I spent the weekend focused on housework and prep work. I finally caught up on our laundry situation, and spent Sunday working in the office going through paper work, arranging files, making even more lists, getting documents together for our safety deposit box, and working on a deployment calendar. At Family Days (deployment prep day for Reserve families), they gave us a calendar where you can fill in the days/months to customize it to your deployment. Each month has information about the phase of deployment you are in, and random days say things like "Go to a museum" or "Write a letter to your spouse of all the reasons you love them." At first, I thought it was super lame. It doesn't help that the pictures haven't been updated since the 90s. One month has a picture of a family in denim with mullets, another shows a bunch of spouses on IMBs. Aesthetics come second to functionality in the military. Nevertheless, the calendar is helpful and makes me feel more connected to the military while far away from anyone else who is our unit, and I wrote in a count-down of days until James' departure date. Of course, the day after I made the calender he found out he is actually leaving two days later so my count-down is wrong (the bright side is I get two more days with him). I've set a deadline for myself to get all the "logistical" planning done. The goal is to have all the paper work, home and car maintenance and so on done by a certain date, then focus on his going away party, and then have nothing left to do for a couple weeks but spend time together.
The time I have with my husband now is starting to feel a bit surreal. It's odd knowing that the person you are with every day will suddenly not be with you every day. Eventually, after he leaves, I will be more connected to my Gmail inbox than any person I have regular contact with. For now, I find myself looking over at James and trying to remember every detail of his face. When we hug, I stay longer and try to soak up every feeling. Some days, like this morning, he leaves for work before I do and I wake up alone with the dogs on either side of me. I have to remind myself that he is not deployed yet, he will be home at the end of the day. Then I lay in bed and think "this is what it will feel like." I'm also worrying less about spending extra money on little things, like date nights and buying his favorite ice cream. It's difficult to not want to throw my whole budget out the window. Right now, I have Monkey Bread about to come out of the oven for him because two weeks ago he said he wanted some. In a few weeks, it will be normal for the "detachment" phase begin, where we may start to distance ourselves emotionally to lessen the pain of separation. This is something he is trained to do in the military, so it's important I tell him what I'm feeling and don't take it personally. Our stress levels will increase, which is why I feel like I'm in "crunch mode" now, so our last couple weeks will be easier.
The monkey bread is cooling, and I'm ready to relax for the evening and watch TV with my husband.
Resources:
Deployment Health and Family Readiness Library
MilitaryOneSource: Plan My Deployment
Going Overboard: The Misadventures of a Military Wife (book I am reading now, for the second time)
Monkey Bread Recipe
I spent the weekend focused on housework and prep work. I finally caught up on our laundry situation, and spent Sunday working in the office going through paper work, arranging files, making even more lists, getting documents together for our safety deposit box, and working on a deployment calendar. At Family Days (deployment prep day for Reserve families), they gave us a calendar where you can fill in the days/months to customize it to your deployment. Each month has information about the phase of deployment you are in, and random days say things like "Go to a museum" or "Write a letter to your spouse of all the reasons you love them." At first, I thought it was super lame. It doesn't help that the pictures haven't been updated since the 90s. One month has a picture of a family in denim with mullets, another shows a bunch of spouses on IMBs. Aesthetics come second to functionality in the military. Nevertheless, the calendar is helpful and makes me feel more connected to the military while far away from anyone else who is our unit, and I wrote in a count-down of days until James' departure date. Of course, the day after I made the calender he found out he is actually leaving two days later so my count-down is wrong (the bright side is I get two more days with him). I've set a deadline for myself to get all the "logistical" planning done. The goal is to have all the paper work, home and car maintenance and so on done by a certain date, then focus on his going away party, and then have nothing left to do for a couple weeks but spend time together.
The time I have with my husband now is starting to feel a bit surreal. It's odd knowing that the person you are with every day will suddenly not be with you every day. Eventually, after he leaves, I will be more connected to my Gmail inbox than any person I have regular contact with. For now, I find myself looking over at James and trying to remember every detail of his face. When we hug, I stay longer and try to soak up every feeling. Some days, like this morning, he leaves for work before I do and I wake up alone with the dogs on either side of me. I have to remind myself that he is not deployed yet, he will be home at the end of the day. Then I lay in bed and think "this is what it will feel like." I'm also worrying less about spending extra money on little things, like date nights and buying his favorite ice cream. It's difficult to not want to throw my whole budget out the window. Right now, I have Monkey Bread about to come out of the oven for him because two weeks ago he said he wanted some. In a few weeks, it will be normal for the "detachment" phase begin, where we may start to distance ourselves emotionally to lessen the pain of separation. This is something he is trained to do in the military, so it's important I tell him what I'm feeling and don't take it personally. Our stress levels will increase, which is why I feel like I'm in "crunch mode" now, so our last couple weeks will be easier.
The monkey bread is cooling, and I'm ready to relax for the evening and watch TV with my husband.
Resources:
Deployment Health and Family Readiness Library
MilitaryOneSource: Plan My Deployment
Going Overboard: The Misadventures of a Military Wife (book I am reading now, for the second time)
Monkey Bread Recipe
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Home Security and Safety Tips
When you aren't used to living alone, having your spouse gone during deployment can be really scary. Suddenly you are hearing all kinds of new noises in your house, you feel like people know you are alone (and they do know if you are putting it on Facebook - or blogging about it), and things that didn't used to scare you suddenly start to. The last time my husband left for just a few days, I found myself suddenly aware that I was alone. I was okay until I went to bed at night, then my imagination went wild and I knew someone was about to break into my house! I read this ariticle I found on Pinterest that was really helpful and I thought it was important to share.
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21 Things your Buglar Won't Tell You
1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.
2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.
3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste… and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.
4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it..
5. If it snows while you’re out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.
6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don’t let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it’s set. That makes it too easy.
7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom – and your jewelry. It’s not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.
8. It’s raining, you’re fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door – understandable. But understand this: I don’t take a day off because of bad weather.
9. I always knock first. If you answer, I’ll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don’t take me up on it.)
10. Do you really think I won’t look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.
11. Here’s a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids’ rooms.
12. You’re right: I won’t have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it’s not bolted down, I’ll take it with me.
13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If you’re reluctant to leave your TV on while you’re out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television.
14. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.
15. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.
16. I’ll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he’ll stop what he’s doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn’t hear it again, he’ll just go back to what he was doing. It’s human nature.
17. I’m not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?
18. I love looking in your windows. I’m looking for signs that you’re home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I’d like. I’ll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.
19. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It’s easier than you think to look up your address.
20. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it’s an invitation.
21. If you don’t answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.
Here’s an idea…
Put your car keys beside your bed at night.
If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies. This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this: It’s a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Test it. It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob chain. It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break into your house, odds are the burglar/rapist won’t stick around. After a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won’t want that. And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there. This is something that should really be shared with everyone. Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime.
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Here's some more tips I've picked up along the way:
Safety Tips for Women
Safety Mistakes You Never Considered and Lifesaving Tips
About Sexual Assault: Mil One Source
Basic Safety Tips
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21 Things your Buglar Won't Tell You
1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.
2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.
3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste… and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.
4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it..
5. If it snows while you’re out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.
6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don’t let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it’s set. That makes it too easy.
7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom – and your jewelry. It’s not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.
8. It’s raining, you’re fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door – understandable. But understand this: I don’t take a day off because of bad weather.
9. I always knock first. If you answer, I’ll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don’t take me up on it.)
10. Do you really think I won’t look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.
11. Here’s a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids’ rooms.
12. You’re right: I won’t have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it’s not bolted down, I’ll take it with me.
13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If you’re reluctant to leave your TV on while you’re out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television.
14. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.
15. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.
16. I’ll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he’ll stop what he’s doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn’t hear it again, he’ll just go back to what he was doing. It’s human nature.
17. I’m not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?
18. I love looking in your windows. I’m looking for signs that you’re home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I’d like. I’ll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.
19. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It’s easier than you think to look up your address.
20. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it’s an invitation.
21. If you don’t answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.
Here’s an idea…
Put your car keys beside your bed at night.
If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies. This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this: It’s a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Test it. It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob chain. It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break into your house, odds are the burglar/rapist won’t stick around. After a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won’t want that. And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there. This is something that should really be shared with everyone. Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's some more tips I've picked up along the way:
- If you have neighborhood watch or police officers that patrol your neighborhood regularly, let them know your spouse is deployed at ask that they keep an extra eye on your house. Police officers are often willing to drive down your street a couple extra times.
- Own a weapon. Be it a baseball bat, a knife, mace, a tazer or a gun, get one and know how to use it. Chances are you won't have to, but knowing it's there can help you rest at night.
- Take a self-defense class.
- Carry mace or a taaer on your key chain.
- Don't get close to your car without looking underneath it and in your seats. Often predators will hide under cars and slash your ankles, or wait for you in your car (they can get in even if you lock it)
- Take precaution walking alone at night. If you are approached, scream and put up a huge fight, attackers often think it's not worth the trouble.
- Don't believe that you are a victim. You are strong and capable. Learn how to defend yourself. Educate yourself and don't be naive.
- Get a dog (I have two 90lb Pitbull/Mastiff mixes, they are amazing and bark at the slightest noise)
- Get an alarm system installed.
- Don't answer the door if you don't know who it is. Use your peephole. Even people talking about Jesus may be trying to scope out you and your house to come back later. I hate to be that cynical, but it happens.
- Get a safety deposit box. I just got one at my bank. They are easy to get and cost about $50 annually.
- Leave porch lights on in front and back all night. Keeping your house well lit is important to neighbors can see if there is anything suspicious going on around your house at night.
- When you leave your house or go out for the evening, make sure you tell a friend or family member where you are going, the number of who you will be with, and that you will text them when you get home. It may sound silly to do, but if live alone and know one know you left, no one will worry if you don't come home.
Safety Tips for Women
Safety Mistakes You Never Considered and Lifesaving Tips
About Sexual Assault: Mil One Source
Basic Safety Tips
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
The "C Word": Counseling (Part 2)
I did it. I went to my first counseling session. For those of you considering this, let me just tell you, I was terrified. I've been anxious about it since I made the appointment on Friday, and even more anxious since I remembered last night that it was today. I spent the day nervous. In the car ride on the way there, I was calling my old counseling buddy (my best friend who was in counseling the same time I was last time), and my therapist friend. To make it worse, I couldn't find the office. I was driving up and down the road nearly in tears, and ended up being late. When I found the building, it hardly looked like it should be a counseling center and I was wondering what I had gotten myself into. Then, I was even later because I had to fill out the necessary paperwork. The forms always seem so cold..."Do you feel sad? Never, Rarely, Sometimes, Often, Always," and so on.
My therapist friend calmed me down on the way there. She told me all I had to do was go in and talk, or not talk, it was my session. The counselor would ask questions and I could answer or not answer. As I was sitting in the waiting room, Gloria greeted me. I was right, she is old. Probably late 50s. For some reason, I felt a little more calm when I saw her.
Gloria's office was small with two worn leather couches, a desk and a terrible rug. She took notes the entire time, which I appreciate in a counselor. If' I'm going to talk, she better pay attention and remember what I'm saying. It was just as my friend said it would be, and how I remembered it from last time I was in counseling. She asked questions, I answered honestly. Then, she asked another question, and I answered. She was kind and understanding. And empathetic. I told Gloria I was there because I needed someone to talk to, because I wasn't around people who understood deployment and I need help with my anxiety and tools to deal with it. I need a safety net to keep myself okay and help me cope. She didn't judge me, tell me what to do, or push too far. I was still nervous, but I felt very safe with her.
I'm so glad I went to see Gloria. Of course I'm nervous about going more. No one likes to talk honestly about their emotions, it's scary. But, I need to talk honestly about my emotions because they aren't going away. That's not how it works. So, I'm going again next week...and for 10 weeks after that.
My therapist friend calmed me down on the way there. She told me all I had to do was go in and talk, or not talk, it was my session. The counselor would ask questions and I could answer or not answer. As I was sitting in the waiting room, Gloria greeted me. I was right, she is old. Probably late 50s. For some reason, I felt a little more calm when I saw her.
Gloria's office was small with two worn leather couches, a desk and a terrible rug. She took notes the entire time, which I appreciate in a counselor. If' I'm going to talk, she better pay attention and remember what I'm saying. It was just as my friend said it would be, and how I remembered it from last time I was in counseling. She asked questions, I answered honestly. Then, she asked another question, and I answered. She was kind and understanding. And empathetic. I told Gloria I was there because I needed someone to talk to, because I wasn't around people who understood deployment and I need help with my anxiety and tools to deal with it. I need a safety net to keep myself okay and help me cope. She didn't judge me, tell me what to do, or push too far. I was still nervous, but I felt very safe with her.
I'm so glad I went to see Gloria. Of course I'm nervous about going more. No one likes to talk honestly about their emotions, it's scary. But, I need to talk honestly about my emotions because they aren't going away. That's not how it works. So, I'm going again next week...and for 10 weeks after that.
Monday, February 4, 2013
It's time to Re-Visit "Positive Sloth"
I have been a little bummed/stressed/anxious/basket-casey lately. Reading over my last few blog posts about counseling and sleeplessness, I realized I need to revisit my "Positive Sloth" post mentality and think about some things that I have to look forward to in this coming year, as well as good things about deployment. Not only for myself, but so I don't seriously bum out anyone reading. So, deep breaths and happy thoughts...
And, once again, because sloths make me smile....a baby sloth hugging a stuffed giraffe. You're welcome.
- When my husband is gone, I will get to focus on myself. Counseling will help me discover things about myself. I will get the chance to spend some alone time writing, journaling, being quiet, reading, and learning to be with myself again.
- My best friend is getting married, and I get to be a bridesmaid. I love her and I'm so happy for her. I'm really looking forward to that in the future
- I will get lots of time with my friends and get to build stronger relationships with them. I love my girls, and I'm looking forward to girls' nights, long lunches, getting coffee, shopping, and sleepovers.
- I will get to grow artistically. I will have time to write more, craft, learn new skills, act again, and maybe even start painting again
- The grocery will be fun; I will only buy the foods I want to eat - and I love food. I will get to try new things my husband hates.
- Spring and Summer. For me, this means skirts and dresses, long walks in the park with my friends, evening runs with my dogs, and laying by the pool. I will have less responsibility so more time to relax and be outside.
- Complete control of the remote (all the Golden Girls, Friends, Big Bang Theory and Fraiser I can possibly handle)
And, once again, because sloths make me smile....a baby sloth hugging a stuffed giraffe. You're welcome.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
In Need of Sleepytime Tea
It's 12:30am. I was falling asleep on the couch about an hour ago. Of course, when I went to bed, I was instantly wide awake. As soon as I laid down, my husband started snoring, the cat (who sleeps by my head) decided it was time to start grooming herself, the dogs started pacing and looking out the window, and my brain started to go and go. I laid awake, torn between getting back up and trying to fall asleep in front of the tv again, journaling, working on all the planning I was doing in my head, or staying still and trying to sleep. I have a feeling it's going to be like this more and more until my husband leaves - which is quickly approaching. When big things are going on in my life, I obsess on the little things. Which is why I can't sleep tonight. I'm not laying awake thinking about deployment, I'm thinking about what decorations I'm going to buy for my husband's going away party. On the up-side, I've chosen a color scheme, decided where to shop for decorations, planned center pieces, and made several more lists in my head.
So, I decided to get up. My husband is up stairs asleep (which is rare these days, he's not sleeping well either) and I'm down here writing and drinking Celestial Seasonings Sleeptime Tea, which has become a staple in my pantry. (It's probably a better choice than wine.) Right now my tea of choice is Sleepytime Decaf Lemon Jasmine Green Tea - which I am currently drinking the last of. Of course, I'm not alone. I've also got Dorothy, Rose, Blanch and Sophia to keep me company. They have always been faithful. Thank God for Golden Girls marathons.
I also remembered, while laying in bed planning color schemes, that I have my first counseling session this week. Yep, I scheduled it. The counselor's name is Gloria. And, because I'm less than thrilled about going, I've decided I probably won't like her. With a name like Gloria, she is probably a detached old woman who is going to judge me (my apologies to anyone named Gloria - my impression is also based off how she sounded on her voicemail). I realize this is ridiculous, she is probably lovely. Whatever, we'll see what this Gloria has to say. In the mean time, I'll keep rehearsing my first session in my head.
The truth is, why I'm really awake, is because of deployment. All the obsessing about parties and rehearsing counseling sessions is a coping mechanism - a distraction from what's actually happening and how I really feel. I feel sad and anxious and stressed. But, I'm okay. I know this is all part of it and only temporary. It's not as bad as it sounds, but it does suck. I'm starting to yawn again, I'm hoping that's a good sign. Just in case, I have my journal, a new box of tea to open, and Golden Girls is on until 3am.
So, I decided to get up. My husband is up stairs asleep (which is rare these days, he's not sleeping well either) and I'm down here writing and drinking Celestial Seasonings Sleeptime Tea, which has become a staple in my pantry. (It's probably a better choice than wine.) Right now my tea of choice is Sleepytime Decaf Lemon Jasmine Green Tea - which I am currently drinking the last of. Of course, I'm not alone. I've also got Dorothy, Rose, Blanch and Sophia to keep me company. They have always been faithful. Thank God for Golden Girls marathons.
I also remembered, while laying in bed planning color schemes, that I have my first counseling session this week. Yep, I scheduled it. The counselor's name is Gloria. And, because I'm less than thrilled about going, I've decided I probably won't like her. With a name like Gloria, she is probably a detached old woman who is going to judge me (my apologies to anyone named Gloria - my impression is also based off how she sounded on her voicemail). I realize this is ridiculous, she is probably lovely. Whatever, we'll see what this Gloria has to say. In the mean time, I'll keep rehearsing my first session in my head.
The truth is, why I'm really awake, is because of deployment. All the obsessing about parties and rehearsing counseling sessions is a coping mechanism - a distraction from what's actually happening and how I really feel. I feel sad and anxious and stressed. But, I'm okay. I know this is all part of it and only temporary. It's not as bad as it sounds, but it does suck. I'm starting to yawn again, I'm hoping that's a good sign. Just in case, I have my journal, a new box of tea to open, and Golden Girls is on until 3am.
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