20 Minutes of Grief

These last couple weeks have been busy and rough as we get closer to deployment. I've gone between not sleeping enough and being to tired during the day to do "what I need to do," busy crossing things off my lists while my husband works late, and trying to ignore things on my list while spending time with him when he's home.

I spend almost every night last week sleeping on the couch. I couldn't sleep from anxiety and it was easier to just lay downstairs so I could get up if I needed to without waking up James. Last week, I found out my best friend is moving away around the same time my husband deploys. I'm so happy for her and her family, but this was hard news to hear. It made me realize how much my friends and I had all grown up since the last deployment. Weddings, babies, moving away, new relationships. Last time, I faced deployment young and newly married with young, single friends. This time, we are all grown up. So much has happened in the lats four years. It's just another one of the ways that deployment will be different this time. I am far more capable than last time and won't need to so heavily lean on my friends just to get by like I did before. But I can't help but feel that others lives are moving on, while I'm just trying to get through the year. This is common for spouses at home surrounded by non-military families. It's hard to see others living their lives with their significant others and spouses, while you feel like you are stuck waiting for your life to move on after deployment.

Talking with my counselor, Gloria, was helpful. I was skeptical of being set-up with a counselor through MilitaryOneSource, but so far it's been a very good fit and productive. She encouraged me to grieve the losses I am feeling for set periods during the day. She told me to set aside 10, no more than 20 minutes, to just sit with my grief, and then move on. Gloria also told me that when my feelings start to come out at inconvenient times during the day (like at work), to remember that I have my time to sit and feel what I need to set aside for later in the day, and to put my feelings aside to deal with them later, but to be sure to honor that agreement with myself. I think this is helpful for dealing with deployment in general. During the day, missing your spouse can become overwhelming. It helps to know that I can have 10-15 minutes alone later in the day to sit and be sad, have a melt-down if I need to, read letters and look at pictures, and then move on. (It's important to not write letters you intend to send or emails during this time, make sure you are stable and in a good mood when you do that). This special time to allow yourself to feel and grieve will keep your feelings from controlling your day and make it easier to function.

This weekend was spent with my husband and my best friend. They are both still here now, and it's important to not get stuck in the sadness of what's coming so I don't miss out on the joy of them still being here. My friend and I had an amazing Girls' Night, staying up til 4:30am talking, drinking wine, and dying our hair. I tried to soak it all in and memorize her house before it starts to go into boxes. I realized how much her house felt like home.  I spent much of the last deployment sleeping at her house, back before she was married and had 2 more kids. It will be strange to go through this deployment without her down the street. But I know this must be what be what we both need for our lives, and this will be an amazing adventure for her and her family. We have been through so much together, and we will go through this together - even if we are in different states. My husband and I cuddled and watched movies, and I insisted he run my errands with me so we could have that extra few hours. We spent time walking around Barnes & Noble, and I made a list of all the books he wanted so I can mail them to him later (after I buy them used online). It was a great weekend, because I spent it living in the moment and enjoying my time with two of the people I love most.