Where I Am Now: Calendars and Monkey Bread

It's getting closer to deployment every day, increasing my stress and anxiety levels just a little, and making me a bundle of emotions. My thoughts range from "I have so much to do" to "I don't want him to leave" to "I can't wait until this deployment is finally happening." Random songs make me sad. I don't even like Maroon 5, but I started tearing up on the way to work when I listened to their "Morning Light" song.

I spent the weekend focused on housework and prep work. I finally caught up on our laundry situation, and spent Sunday working in the office going through paper work, arranging files, making even more lists, getting documents together for our safety deposit box, and working on a deployment calendar. At Family Days (deployment prep day for Reserve families), they gave us a calendar where you can fill in the days/months to customize it to your deployment. Each month has information about the phase of deployment you are in, and random days say things like "Go to a museum" or "Write a letter to your spouse of all the reasons you love them." At first, I thought it was super lame. It doesn't help that the pictures haven't been updated since the 90s. One month has a picture of a family in denim with mullets, another shows a bunch of spouses on IMBs. Aesthetics come second to functionality in the military. Nevertheless, the calendar is helpful and makes me feel more connected to the military while far away from anyone else who is our unit, and I wrote in a count-down of days until James' departure date. Of course, the day after I made the calender he found out he is actually leaving two days later so my count-down is wrong (the bright side is I get two more days with him). I've set a deadline for myself to get all the "logistical" planning done. The goal is to have all the paper work, home and car maintenance and so on done by a certain date, then focus on his going away party, and then have nothing left to do for a couple weeks but spend time together.

The time I have with my husband now is starting to feel a bit surreal. It's odd knowing that the person you are with every day will suddenly not be with you every day. Eventually, after he leaves, I will be more connected to my Gmail inbox than any person I have regular contact with. For now, I find myself looking over at James and trying to remember every detail of his face. When we hug, I stay longer and try to soak up every feeling. Some days, like this morning, he leaves for work before I do and I wake up alone with the dogs on either side of me. I have to remind myself that he is not deployed yet, he will be home at the end of the day. Then I lay in bed and think "this is what it will feel like." I'm  also worrying less about spending extra money on little things, like date nights and buying his favorite ice cream. It's difficult to not want to throw my whole budget out the window. Right now, I have Monkey Bread about to come out of the oven for him because two weeks ago he said he wanted some. In a few weeks, it will be normal for the "detachment" phase begin, where we may start to distance ourselves emotionally to lessen the pain of separation. This is something he is trained to do in the military, so it's important I tell him what I'm feeling and don't take it personally. Our stress levels will increase, which is why I feel like I'm in "crunch mode" now, so our last couple weeks will be easier.

The monkey bread is cooling, and I'm ready to relax for the evening and watch TV with my husband. 

Resources:
Deployment Health and Family Readiness Library
MilitaryOneSource: Plan My Deployment
Going Overboard: The Misadventures of a Military Wife (book I am reading now, for the second time)
Monkey Bread Recipe