You Aren't Alone in the Reserves

As I've been preparing for deployment, I find myself feeling stuck between my "real" life and my "military" life. Our civilian lives are still going on as normal. My husband still goes to work and comes home, as do I. No one around me is dealing with deployment, or is even in the military. Much of the information out there for deployment is geared towards Active Duty, as well as the Facebook groups. I'm trying my best to prepare for deployment and use my resources, while also explaining to my friends and family what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and how I'm feeling.

Becoming this adept at deployment is difficult for Reservist's spouses. While Active Duty (full-time military) have more opportunities to adapt to deployment because it is often more frequent, Reservists often only deal with deployment every few years (if that), and deployments are generally 8 months to a year, if not longer, with limited communication and often no leave. My husband is a civilian, with a civilian job, and is home every evening. His role Navy Reserves is something that doesn't normally affect our lives daily. He has Drill one weekend a month, and goes away for training two weeks a year. Now that he's in leadership that's changing, but it's still not the focus. Other than that, we are a normal married couple. No bases, no military groups or talks, no Family Readiness Groups or Spouse Clubs, far away from a base, Commissary or Exchange, and not another Reservist around for miles. When deployment hits, especially during war time, it rocks our world. Everythingg changes. I am suddenly thrust into the role of Military Wife when Orders or rumors of Orders to deploy come around. There's ONE Family Day to talk about deployment. I have a pile of resources to look through myself, an no support group or community of spouses. Yes, I have an Ombudsman (Command contact person) who can provide direction and guidance, but she is also in another city.

When deployment doesn't come around often, and each deployment is different, it's difficult to adapt and feel prepared, and deployment is a major upheaval. If you are a Reservist wife, and anything like me, you probably find yourself feeling isolated, misunderstood, and worried. You are torn between wanting to support your husband like the other wives you see and hear about, and not really feeling like a "real" military wife. You try to prepare and see the opportunities in deployment, but ultimately you really don't want this to happen. It's so different, and isn't want you are used to. Don't worry, you are not alone. And you ARE a "real" military wife. You and your spouse aren't just "playing military" every now and then. Your feelings are legitimate.

Here's what you do have going for you:

• Most of the time, this stuff isn't an issue. Deployments will come and go, and your life will go back to normal. You just have to get through this right now.
• Most of the time, your husband comes home every night, isn't in danger daily, and you have a civilian life.
• You can live where you want. The military doesn't tell you to move. Active Duty families have to face changing support networks and leaving friends and family all the time. Chances are, the ones who are with you through this deployment, will be with you through the next one. You may not have a built-in military support network, but you do have your own support network and you don't have to move away from them.
• There are resources, you just have to find them. Go to the Family Day (and pay attention!), communicate with your Ombudsman, and do your research. The support and the military resources are waiting for you.
• Deployment is an opportunity for growth. It can be good, you can benefit from it. You just don't have to do it all the time and you have a bit more control over when and how often.
• You get to grow and change the way other civilians don't. This is not a normal life or situation, and many spouses don't spend a lot of time away from each other and have opportunities to grow as individuals. Change your perspective and focus on growth that your married civilian friends don't get to have. Unfortunately, some of that growth comes from overcoming struggle and pain. That's okay. Growth is not always comfortable or easy.

Yes, being a Reservist family getting ready for deployment is tough, but not impossible, and you certainly aren't alone. If there is no Family Readiness Group for your unit, talk to the Ombudsman and try to start one. If nothing else, get the information of the other spouses when you go to Family Day, or find some way of talking with the other wives in the unit. Get together with the other spouses on your own. There's no rule saying you can't see them outside of military sponsored events. The best thing you can do to make this easier on yourself is be proactive. Do the networking yourself. During our last deployment, my husband was talking to Sailors in his unit about how hard it was for us at home...why weren't we talking to each other? I honestly have no idea.  Chances are, the other spouses are feeling the same way you do.

You aren't alone. You can do this.