I've been shown so much in the last year how I am not in control of my life, and how things can change in an instant. The problem I have is believing things are changing for the better. I wonder, does life care? Or does life just keep moving forward and it's my job to choose to join in and make the best of it?
I am usually an optimist, I used to believe that everything happens for a reason. But I don't know about that. Sometimes, things just happen, and we can look to find the good in it or try to change it, or not. I worked in a mental health facility for years, and many of my clients dealt with terrible traumas in their lives. They would often ask "why would God let this happen to me?" or "is this some part of a plan?" I began to think about al the pain and suffering in the world and wondering why it was all happening. After dealing with so many clients that faced terrible traumas in their life, I came to believe that bad things just happen, and often for no reason. Simply put, people make choices, and they and others have to deal with the consequences of those choices. Friends, family, a higher power - they are all their to grieve with
you and see you through it, and are sad for you when it happens. Life is hard, bad and good things happen, and we take what we can from it and move on.We can choose to take what we want from it, forgive and heal, and move forward. That is what gives the experiences in life meaning and purpose.
Spring is here, finally! And the seasons changing of course reminds me of change in life. The flowers are blooming, the grass is growing, there is change in the air. It's a time for healing and rebirth in nature after a harsh winter. Life is moving forward, and I can choose how I want to participate despite the set backs that I have faced in my life. The things that have happened in my life have made me stronger, and made me who I am.
My husband is still searching for new orders, and we are waiting to see where life is going to take us next. But I am done sitting around my house waiting on the military to decide my future. I am going to open up my windows, get out my spring clothes and pack away my sweaters, and embrace the process of change and growth, and painful and sucky as it can be. It can also be beautiful. This last deployment did not happen, so what new adventure is waiting for us next?
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Orders: Cancelled. How life can change in one phone call.
It's been a while since I've written. And that is because our lives have been totally turned upside-down by the military. I have been confused, angry, and processing a lot of information- and adjusting to life being so different than I thought it would be right now. Right now, my husband is supposed to be deployed. He isn't.
A year and a half ago, we were told a deployment was coming, but we didn't know when. We waited over a year for orders that we knew would change our lives. In December, orders came. I focused on the holidays, and then started in January, I started preparing for deployment, emotionally and logistically. I started this blog to document my journey through it all.
A month ago, we were ready. We had gone through all the steps. My husband was in leadership for the mission and having regular meetings. We had prepared ourselves emotionally and mentally, getting in the mind set for deployment. I threw a going-away party. Over a hundred people came. I took a week off work to spend with my husband before he left. My husband had taken a leave-of-absence from work and said his goodbyes.
9 days before my husband was supposed to deploy for almost a year, we were told his orders were being cancelled for medical reasons - reasons we were told were not an issue that there was a 95% chance the deployment would go on like normal. We spent 4 days trying to appeal this, with people fighting on his side.
5 days before deployment, my husband's orders were officially cancelled and he was told he could not deploy out of country for at least a year. Medical had his paperwork for over 3 months, and for some reason we don't understand made the decision 5 days before he was supposed to ship out.
For those of you new to the military, there you go. This can happen. With deployment, it is important to remember that until the mission is underway and your spouse is gone, everything is subject to change.
There are of course so many mixed emotions surrounding this. For us, this is a difficult situation. This deployment was important to us as a large part of our income and long-term goals. We had volunteered for this mission. This mission was also important to my husband's military career, especially with his leadership role in it and upcoming possibility of advancements. We had accepted the deployment's hardships, planned our lives and careers around the deployment, and were already emotionally disconnected from "normal" life. My husband had taken a leave-of-absence from work, taken time off school (with the GI Bill is also part of our income). Everything in our lives was built around this deployment. I was so angry that something like this could happen to us at the last minute. This has been especially difficult for my husband, who was devoted to and prepared for this mission. After getting the news, we sat in silence, stunned. We had planned a year of our lives around this, and it was just...gone.
But my husband is not gone. For now, he is home with me and I'm so grateful for that. We have spent the last couple weeks shell shocked, but he is home. I don't want any spouse with a deployed husband to think that I am not happy that my husband is home. Deployments are incredibly difficult, and despite the importance of this deployment in our long-term goals, I ultimately did not want it to happen and wished it didn't have to be this way. I love my husband so much and I am grateful that I get to wake up with him every day, and preparing for him leaving had me incredibly stressed at sad, I was dreading deployment as well as counting on it. I am so grateful to not be coming home to an empty house every night and waking up alone. But, I know that this is only temporary...maybe. Who knows anything anymore.
I am so frustrated that we went through all of this, and everything changed so quickly, at the last minute. It was especially difficult realizing that all of our deployment prep-work, all the hardships of goodbyes, were for nothing. That's the thing about the military, even in the Reserves. Life can change in an instant. Now, we have to make new plans and reorganize our lives. My husband has returned to work at his civilian job for now. We are moving on.
We are also playing the waiting game again, waiting for new orders. My husband may leave for several months to work on an air-craft carrier or on a base, in country. For now, I will go back into "waiting for orders" mode, and continue to research and write about deployment, and what I am going through now. We may only be waiting on orders for a few weeks, or a couple months. We do not know. I asked my husband if he can "stay on" anyone about this to make sure things are moving forward. There is apparently no "staying on" commanding officers.We have no idea what these new orders may be, how long my husband may be gone, or if he is even going. We could find out tomorrow that he is leaving next week!
At least we are together. I am still trying not to be angry. This is what it means to be a military family. We have to expect the unexpected and know that we can't count on much, except each other. My husband's command is doing their best to make sure that we are taken care of, and I am so grateful for that as well. They are in our corner and also angry and working to make sure we have what we need. My husband's job let him come back despite leave of absence and work on a week by week schedule, understand that he could leave on very short notice. Our friends and family have been incredibly supportive through all of this mess. It's time to move forward, make new plans, and see what life has in store for us now.
Everything can change in an instant. Be thankful for the moments you do have together. Understand that change is part of being in the military. Being in the military, serving like this, is a calling for the strongest people. Be flexible, and don't get stuck in a certain idea of what life is supposed to be. I've been shown in the last couple of weeks that life has much different plans, and I am ultimately not in control.
A year and a half ago, we were told a deployment was coming, but we didn't know when. We waited over a year for orders that we knew would change our lives. In December, orders came. I focused on the holidays, and then started in January, I started preparing for deployment, emotionally and logistically. I started this blog to document my journey through it all.
A month ago, we were ready. We had gone through all the steps. My husband was in leadership for the mission and having regular meetings. We had prepared ourselves emotionally and mentally, getting in the mind set for deployment. I threw a going-away party. Over a hundred people came. I took a week off work to spend with my husband before he left. My husband had taken a leave-of-absence from work and said his goodbyes.
9 days before my husband was supposed to deploy for almost a year, we were told his orders were being cancelled for medical reasons - reasons we were told were not an issue that there was a 95% chance the deployment would go on like normal. We spent 4 days trying to appeal this, with people fighting on his side.
5 days before deployment, my husband's orders were officially cancelled and he was told he could not deploy out of country for at least a year. Medical had his paperwork for over 3 months, and for some reason we don't understand made the decision 5 days before he was supposed to ship out.
For those of you new to the military, there you go. This can happen. With deployment, it is important to remember that until the mission is underway and your spouse is gone, everything is subject to change.
There are of course so many mixed emotions surrounding this. For us, this is a difficult situation. This deployment was important to us as a large part of our income and long-term goals. We had volunteered for this mission. This mission was also important to my husband's military career, especially with his leadership role in it and upcoming possibility of advancements. We had accepted the deployment's hardships, planned our lives and careers around the deployment, and were already emotionally disconnected from "normal" life. My husband had taken a leave-of-absence from work, taken time off school (with the GI Bill is also part of our income). Everything in our lives was built around this deployment. I was so angry that something like this could happen to us at the last minute. This has been especially difficult for my husband, who was devoted to and prepared for this mission. After getting the news, we sat in silence, stunned. We had planned a year of our lives around this, and it was just...gone.
But my husband is not gone. For now, he is home with me and I'm so grateful for that. We have spent the last couple weeks shell shocked, but he is home. I don't want any spouse with a deployed husband to think that I am not happy that my husband is home. Deployments are incredibly difficult, and despite the importance of this deployment in our long-term goals, I ultimately did not want it to happen and wished it didn't have to be this way. I love my husband so much and I am grateful that I get to wake up with him every day, and preparing for him leaving had me incredibly stressed at sad, I was dreading deployment as well as counting on it. I am so grateful to not be coming home to an empty house every night and waking up alone. But, I know that this is only temporary...maybe. Who knows anything anymore.
I am so frustrated that we went through all of this, and everything changed so quickly, at the last minute. It was especially difficult realizing that all of our deployment prep-work, all the hardships of goodbyes, were for nothing. That's the thing about the military, even in the Reserves. Life can change in an instant. Now, we have to make new plans and reorganize our lives. My husband has returned to work at his civilian job for now. We are moving on.
We are also playing the waiting game again, waiting for new orders. My husband may leave for several months to work on an air-craft carrier or on a base, in country. For now, I will go back into "waiting for orders" mode, and continue to research and write about deployment, and what I am going through now. We may only be waiting on orders for a few weeks, or a couple months. We do not know. I asked my husband if he can "stay on" anyone about this to make sure things are moving forward. There is apparently no "staying on" commanding officers.We have no idea what these new orders may be, how long my husband may be gone, or if he is even going. We could find out tomorrow that he is leaving next week!
At least we are together. I am still trying not to be angry. This is what it means to be a military family. We have to expect the unexpected and know that we can't count on much, except each other. My husband's command is doing their best to make sure that we are taken care of, and I am so grateful for that as well. They are in our corner and also angry and working to make sure we have what we need. My husband's job let him come back despite leave of absence and work on a week by week schedule, understand that he could leave on very short notice. Our friends and family have been incredibly supportive through all of this mess. It's time to move forward, make new plans, and see what life has in store for us now.
Everything can change in an instant. Be thankful for the moments you do have together. Understand that change is part of being in the military. Being in the military, serving like this, is a calling for the strongest people. Be flexible, and don't get stuck in a certain idea of what life is supposed to be. I've been shown in the last couple of weeks that life has much different plans, and I am ultimately not in control.
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